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  • Glass

    Glass

    ½

    Little did I suspect that my first official 2019 release would be a strong contender for worst film of the year. What the hell, M. Night?

    I very rarely give half-star reviews, so for the sake of civil discourse I'm going to try (and probably fail) to avoid:
    - ad hominem
    - excessive superlatives
    - curse words
    - condescension
    - unbridled hatred

    Please be warned, this is a *spoiler alert*, though I can't foresee any plot give-aways spoiling an already…

  • If Beale Street Could Talk

    If Beale Street Could Talk

    ★★★★

    I might be the only person on the internet who didn't like Moonlight, but whatever trepidation I may have had about Barry Jenkins has been banished away thanks to his recent adaptation of the James Baldwin novel "If Beale Street Could Talk". In it, KiKi Layne plays a young woman coming to terms with her pregnancy after her boyfriend (Stephan James) has been imprisoned under a false accusation of rape. The core of the story is predominantly focused on their…

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  • Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

    Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

    Beloved character Nude Scaramanga has returned for another entry in J.K. Rowling’s distended cinematic universe as Doctor Who-ry Potter in Blandtastic Queefs: Donaldtrump Grumblekin’s Series of Plantagenet Misdeeds. In this dreck-citing shit-eration of the lucrative franchise, Johnny Depp does his best impression of David Bowie humanizing Hitler while Eddie Redmayne, crippled by social anxiety disorder, bumbles about, mumbling, stumbling upon fantastical CG creatures while people either murder babies or reminisce about babies dying. There is a lot of child death…

  • Annihilation

    Annihilation

    ★★½

    In the ever increasingly difficult task of keeping science fiction fresh there are bound to be a few casualties. I did not expect director Alex Garland would disappoint with his follow up to 2014's Ex Machina, but Annihilation is the very definition of a sophomore slump. Much like another audacious but vacuous sci-fi outing, Inception, the film boasts dazzling visuals in service to a thin plot that's lacking any semblance of an emotional core. A cool concept is squandered in…