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  • Videodrome



    — Ronald Reagan

    don't let anyone undersell it to you, it is ridiculously hard to find the clitoris on a television set. he finds himself telling women things. the women already know, but they let him ramble on anyway. she wants the goods but he's painted double yellow lines around everything even remotely resembling a phallus in the tri-state area. he finds maintaining a conversation with an attractive human being a circular expedition, one minute he's hailing a cab…

  • Performance



    "you should not have destroyed the great phallus."
    — Jess Franco

    he's not sure where he is but he's sure that to some extent he's conscious, striking things from the tables of his esteemed colleagues with his priapic wonder, home-runs on certain occasions, he wants to be good but the blueprints were on the ipad and the damn things out of juice again. he makes a cocktail,
    1/4 asbestos
    1/4 insects
    1/4 treason
    1/4 tonic
    post-poning the holidays won't…

  • Cléo from 5 to 7

    Cléo from 5 to 7


    and this is the moment this is exactly where she is born to be
    and this is what she does and this is what she is

    and you think "i'll remember this moment", a moment that is an utterly meaningless moment but why not force yourself to remember it anyway, and you concentrate on the words so that they take effect, and above all the other seemingly unadorned and purposeless moments this still inexplicably stands prominent as a moment, a…

  • Synecdoche, New York

    Synecdoche, New York


    the constellations bleed throughout the darkness, giving him the finger, telling him the thing that rips apart the day. love occurs intermittently and confuses all those involved, an aggregate of last moments. he says "it hurts but i'm fine" and doesn't analyze it because he doesn't want to know if it's true or not. he writhes in it, in razor blades and cigarettes and sex, poems about nonsense and existence, the hostile silence. he wonders if it will ever happen…

  • The Lost World: Jurassic Park

    The Lost World: Jurassic Park


    "Well he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy... a dinosaur."
    — Dr. Richard Hammond

    all i want, as a "cinephile", are films with dinosaurs in them, films with jeff goldblum in them, films in which san diego is descended upon by something voracious like a t-rex or capitalism or amanda bynes. Only like 1% of films have dinosaurs in them, it happens every year and we as a global consciousness are letting…

  • Contempt



    As is tradition with experiencing (:surviving) godard films, they must first persevere through a rigorous "what was that, that was ok, that was great, that was the best thing i've ever seen" rewatch regimen, and then and only then can i even begin to think about writing words about its stuff and things. east of eden and west of the west, beyond radical honesty and messianic proliferation, lives a spaceman who thought the world was round but still managed to…

  • Contagion



    Since we are all going to die of ebola i have decided to watch some prescient fan-fiction surrounding the endeavours of panicky mammals told not to panic.

    The Illness spreads with venomous intent, vengefully questioning why it has been given a lame name like "H1N1" whilst its predecessors were called things like "The Black Death". Humanity welcomes it, lusts after its chaos, ships it, the evacuation proceeds, but it's all theatre.

    We are assured that when It comes everything will…

  • Edge of Tomorrow

    Edge of Tomorrow


    i enjoy the prospect of these types of movies being good, i enjoy the prospect of many things. i enjoy the idea of groundhog days and emily blunt holding a big sword whilst she calls me names. i enjoy the idea of tom cruise running to places with wet eyes and a time limit and his missing family members swinging over a shark and piranha and lion and electric eel infested water tank as the lustful bites of starved predators…

  • The Inbetweeners 2

    The Inbetweeners 2


    watching The Inbetweeners chaperones me backwards through time to a state of pubescent britishness that can only be rivaled by drinking tesco value cider at a bus stop and calling random passersbys "dickeds", it's a feeling of perfectly nuanced disgruntled indifference from a country suffering from an eternal autumn of intricate is-it-gonna-rain-or-not cloud systems and rampant small-town syndrome alcoholism. though the series definitely benefits from the small scale lets-ditch-school-and-wonder-why-we-ditched-school plots as opposed to the typical needlessly intensified hollywood our-lives-are-on-the-line-in-an-unknown-wacky-country ones…

  • The Fault in Our Stars

    The Fault in Our Stars


    "i, personally, think cancer is bad. all of the feels AMIRITE READERS??"
    - John "Internet User" Green

    John Greens books will now all be made into movies which is great news for all. for now is the rapture, the great ones have arisen from the shadows of their ashen emblazoned fortresses, the thunderstorm is inexorably at our doorsteps once and for all and we are more than a little behind on our protection payments.

    john green begins his film with…

  • Before Sunrise

    Before Sunrise


    there were beautiful people and european cities and their nights stretched onwards into seemingly infinity like a floodlight pointed at the night sky and there were bum poets like bukowski on his bench and philanthropist wine sellers with romance on the mind and the man and the woman they were a fairytale if you ever did see one. he had slicked back hair and she spoke three languages and they talked a lot because he had an admittedly insane idea…

  • Eraserhead



    During the "television is better than film" stage of my life i hated this film, i'd tell anyone who'd listen that i'd be deep in the cold cold ground before recognizing david lynch. i'd sign petitions and attend protest rallies that promoted people's free will to dislike david lynch's nonsensical ramblings.

    And you can't really sell "david lynch" to a person using normal human words. in some universes where films are outright illegal and have to be purchased on tape…