Oh, Mr. Fulci, why?!
Lucio Fulci attempting black comedy is like Michael Bay making a stab at subtlety... awkward and uncomfortable on every level.
Touch of Death is deathly unfunny, mind-numblingly dull with some of the crappiest gore FX I've ever seen. The saddest thing is though it's completely devoid of Fulci's usual mastery and instead we get some inane goofiness that's just painful to watch.
Quite simply one of the worst horror films ever captured on celluloid.
It's ugly to look at, the acting is horrendous and it's narrative is so incoherent that I was expecting the credits to roll with the names of lobotomised chimps.
Almost threw my TV out the window.
Spectacularly shite.
So much so that Arnie's daft performance is the only salvageable aspect that can be scraped from this plate of visual diarrhea.
There's so many wrong things at play here:
1. Alicia Silverstone handles the english language like she just suffered a severe stroke.
2. Uma Thurman is about as sexy as Jimmy Saville in a children's hospital ward.
3. Chris O'Donnell has the charisma of a toilet seat.
4. George Clooney's leather nipples.
5. Bat bombs. Bat…
It's like 2012 with less imagination, if that was humanly possible. At least 2012 had John Cusack, this had Dennis 'I have the emotional range and face of a teabag' Quaid.
So its two hour running time is pretty much this:
1. Dennis Quaid out-acted by CGI ice.
2. Dennis Quaid out-acted by CGI tornadoes.
3. Dennis Quaid out-acted by a CGI tidal wave.
4. Jake Gyllenhaal opening his eyes WIDELY. A lot
5. Dennis Quaid out-acted by that naked…
