"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair."

Well, the wait is finally over and I graced my eyes upon Alien: Covenant yesterday evening. I'm going to try to be as spoiler-free as much as possible but I'm also going to be brutally honest, and pondering it after a nights sleep I can only begin with saying that it's very much a big disappointment. As a devout fan of the entire franchise, it's tough for me to judge it harshly…

Spectacularly shite.

So much so that Arnie's daft performance is the only salvageable aspect that can be scraped from this plate of visual diarrhea.

There's so many wrong things at play here:

1. Alicia Silverstone handles the english language like she just suffered a severe stroke.
2. Uma Thurman is about as sexy as Jimmy Saville in a children's hospital ward.
3. Chris O'Donnell has the charisma of a toilet seat.
4. George Clooney's leather nipples.
5. Bat bombs. Bat…

It's like 2012 with less imagination, if that was humanly possible. At least 2012 had John Cusack, this had Dennis 'I have the emotional range and face of a teabag' Quaid.

So its two hour running time is pretty much this:
1. Dennis Quaid being out-acted by CGI ice.
2. Dennis Quaid being out-acted by CGI tornadoes.
3. Dennis Quaid being out-acted by a CGI tidal wave.
4. Jake Gyllenhaal opening his eyes WIDELY. A lot
5. Dennis Quaid being…