Guns Akimbo

What is it that set Neveldine/Taylor apart? How can they have made such frantically obnoxious works as the Cranks and Gamer and nail it so hard, and then you get someone else trying to do what they've done so well, and it's like standing in front of a sewage truck's outlet for an hour and a half?

Now I know that listing a movie's "flaws" is the domain of the tedious and usually wrong arsehole, but this is a movie where our hero claims he's a troll hunter and then immediately... begins trolling online. Where he panics because the baddies see his IP address (publicly available to all when you use the internet; did they forget to set up that he was using a VPN or something? Average people understand the internet to this level, fellas.) Where he goes on to say that "this isn't a movie where I'll win the girl like she's an Xbox Achievement" but in which she, uh, still gets kidnapped and he does rescue her! (And even though she doesn't end up with him she draws a fawning comic book about him???) That's all within the first five minutes.

Goes on to do the thing where our hero spends almost the entire film being a useless, whiny baby running away instead of committing serious acts of ownage which is really why anyone would have come here. Even has the fun idea that he's got only one hundred bullets (hmm reminds me of something, sure it'll come to me) but it's not really used to any effect (he fires all of them in one action sequence basically.)

The assassin that's sent after him (Samara Weaving, here played by Klaus Kinski) is clearly the character that's supposed to offer the thrilling ownage that as previously described we showed up for, but she mostly just fires her gun wildly and doesn't hit our hero. She later fires a minigun and also doesn't seem to hit many people. This all happens while terrible covers of 80s songs play at earsplitting volume. It's SO LAME!!!

It's not just that Guns Akimbo is loudly abrasive, it's that it's artless; all the graphic design is shit, looking like a children's magazine about Fortnite you'd see in a cheap newsagents, and every action scene is overcooked with wild camera movements that add absolutely nothing other than making them disorientating and somehow even less impactful.

Rhys Darby agreed to show up for one day of filming, probably because Sharlto Copley was in Hardcore Henry and they got them confused. I did laugh, because he's naturally funny even with the most puerile of material.

Anyway. This is absolute dogshit. I'm sure when you see it in the Netflix carousel in six months you'll hover for a second, and as soon as the trailer starts up recoil and skip onto the next thing, but just in case you don't, remember this warning from history

Mathew liked this review