I summon what little telepsychkinetic power I possess in a vainly flailing effort to push planet earth further and further from the sun. That hateful orb upon which I pin the innumerable incidents of psychological and spiritual depantsing I have endured. My home and hearth the darkness of an empty home and the rigid frigidity of a barren hearth. My unending strings of powerless failures begging the question, am I truly pushing the earth from the sun, or vice-versa? A…
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Dracula 1931
Languid, airless transmissions from a closed-off dimension. All the people occupying these moving images are long dead. Last known photographs and unnatural losses of blood. Radicalized functionary in the nut house. Flat-top-sporting man of science wise for his single lifetime. Scoreless evenings spent facing off with Satan himself in claustrophobic sitting parlors.
The inimitable Bela Lugosi a demonic black hole at the center of this godless cinematic galaxy. Devouring scenery and scene partners with insatiable gusto. Lugosi wholly embodies the…
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Child's Play 2 1990
I don’t have much to say about this. I threw it on my self-curated October watchlist, trying to add in more stuff I hadn’t already seen and wouldn’t typically give the time of day. I saw the first Chucky in a memorable group screening at basketball camp in I believe the summer of 89. It was fun in that setting, but man, killer doll movies have never been my bag. Or killer kids or Leprechaun or any of that kind…
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Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight 1995
The Google machine application embedded in my intelligent telephone tells me that Demon Knight was released Friday, January 13, 1995. That makes sense with my mental timeline as I recall seeing it at the East Bethel theater with Classic Dank and our mutual friend, Jack Thompson. East Bethel was a big, sprawling multiplex built in the early 90’s, and it usurped Northtown and Village 4 (typical retro 4-banger suburban Grindhouses) as our friend group’s theater du-jour, due to its shiny…
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Van Helsing 2004
The bottom line is either you get it, or you don’t. If I live to be 100 years old, I’ll never understand how Universal signed off on this. This is without question the exact movie my 8 year old self would have made if he existed in 2004 and some coked-up Studio exec handed him $160 million and said, “go nuts”.
I remember when this came out, it bombed pretty hard and the word was out that it was an…
