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  • Paddington 2

    Paddington 2

    ★★★★

    Listen, Paddington... I know you've got smarts. I know you have heart, and gumption, and that you do the right thing. I also know that you are stupid by design, to make me feel things, and that your inner light shines out regardless. But Goddamnit; just do a simple marmalade endorsement deal, if you need money, you stupid fucking fake jungle bear. I love you Paddington. Thank you.

  • The Mountain

    The Mountain

    ★★★

    They lobotomized Tye Sheridan before filming began and by the time it was over, I was also lobotomized. The experience was really, really nice to look at. Goldblum reveals his true self, perfectly, but Denis Lavant steals the thing with some incredible drunken ranting about either nothing, or everything.

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  • Dragged Across Concrete

    Dragged Across Concrete

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Nobody actually gets dragged across concrete. A few people do get dragged, but they get dragged on what looks like gravel. And they certainly aren't dragged across it. Once, in 10th grade, I loudly corrected Mr. Moody when he said "acrossed," in front of the whole class. He looked at me sternly, with hate, and acridly replied, "I'm sorry." Sometimes, I want to write Mr. Moody a letter and tell him that I was way out of line, because it's…

  • Green Book

    Green Book

    ★★½

    It's called 'Green Book', but I'm not really sure why. The titular guide is only discussed between characters once (that I recall), when Viggo's wife hands it to him (even though she knows he can't read). If anything, it should be called 'Green Rock'. Or maybe 'The Hungry Adventures of the Hammiest Shitball'. Speaking of Viggo, his performance is cartoonishly brilliant and full of surprises. He'll eat anything and slap anybody, and he is somehow totally unfazed upon learning that his mulignana friend is a secret finocchio. Tragically, we are left wondering if he ever learns that dishes can be washed instead of throwing them away.