• The Crazies

    The Crazies

    ★★★★

    Some movies are just hitting different after being stuck in this stupid COVID-19 world since March. This probably could've done with some more crazy crazies action, don't worry i'll just climb into my time machine and tell George what I think.

  • Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

    Borat Subsequent Moviefilm

    ★★★★

    Still VERY NIIIICE
    Surprisingly sweet, Tutar rules. I will never be able to get over that McDonald Trump was in front of us the entire time

  • Night of the Living Dead

    Night of the Living Dead

    ★★★★★

    Heh, let me tell you what I’d really do if there was a zombie outbreak: crying in my basement.

    This is a tremendous horror film, nothing but dread.

    Romero never had a message for this and just went along with all the race think pieces and than had to actually go insane with SOCIETY messages until we ended up with bullshit like Land, Diary and Survival of the Dead.

    I first saw this when I was probably around  7 and the trowel murder screams warped me for an entire weekend.

  • Dracula

    Dracula

    ★★★★

    Two hours built around getting Winona Ryder in a sheer night dress with some vampires. Wonder how many takes were ruined by people driving to drive Keanu Reeves into vampire hearts (he wooden as hell)

  • Son of Dracula

    Son of Dracula

    ★★★

    Finally, Dracula hits the United States slinking around the southern swamps. A vampire running amok a plantation is a breath of fresh air, all the racism you can sink your fangs into.

    Lon Chaney Jr kinda sucks (pun intended)

  • Gretel & Hansel

    Gretel & Hansel

    ★★★

    Candy and sweets in the olden days was like “bite your tongue so the blood gives it flavour” - Hey remember when stepmothers were evil for other reasons.

  • Dracula's Daughter

    Dracula's Daughter

    ★★★

    People in the 30s didn’t expect much from their horror films, bitch it’s the Great Depression you know how scary it is not knowing if you’ll have to eat a homeless person again. Queer theory essay fish in a barrel film. The “I don’t drink ... wine” call back is SO GOOD.

    Dracula’s Uncle.

  • Drácula

    Drácula

    ★★★★

    This feels more like a movie and less a filmed stage production , the cinematic equivalent of being given all the answers to the assigned homework. As it is in real life the Spanish version is absolutely visually stunning.

  • The Million Dollar Duck

    The Million Dollar Duck

    ★★★

    Gene Siskel just tearing at his giant moustache in complete disdain watching Dean Jones crawling on all fours barking into a duck’s face.

  • The Rage: Carrie 2

    The Rage: Carrie 2

    ★★

    The lead school bully has grey in his beard and probably has a son in the same grade.

    The 1999 aesthetic was god awful, just a sea of giant clothes and frosted tips and god awful music - imagine being killed by a Reel Big Fish CD.

    Clicking around IMDB and this trivia blurb: “Loosely based on a real-life 1993 incident in which a group of high school jocks, the Spur Posse, were involved in a sex scandal.” is a nightmare. Can you imagine adding telekinetic bullshit to the Bill Cosby sex sca-BACK OFF ITS MINE!

  • Dracula

    Dracula

    ★★★★

    There is a tiny little vampire bee that has its own little coffin. Some people were absolutely terrified of this movie and also giving women the right to vote. In all honesty though, Renfield’s sucked in manic laughter on the boat, hoooooboy.

  • Re-Animator

    Re-Animator

    ★★★★★

    Jump started a love for good trash cinema. I remember getting the highlighter green dvd on a whim as a young clean boy and leaving my room a pock marked hideous man.

    If there ever was a time for House of Re-Animator to come out to disappoint us all, it’s now.