Lady Bird ★★★★★

If Laurie Metcalf doesn't win an Oscar for this I am going to START A RIOT and I mean a serious riot, one where they call in the giant water guns and the mean dogs.

Saoirse Ronan deserves an Oscar as well. Tracy Letts, give him an Oscar. Lucas Hedges too while we're at it. Timothee Chalamet, I dearly love you for playing a teen dirtbag so wonderfully and without remorse. Beanie Feldstein, your name is BEANIE and you should never change that because we need an actor who is named Beanie, especially one as good as you are. And yes, Greta Gerwig - who I have not liked once, not ONCE as an actress - murders it with her script and her direction, so give that woman some goddamned tiny gold statue men.

It's deeply perfect, this flick, managing to be bust-a-gut funny and deeply sad within seconds of one another without ever feeling forced or chaotic or stop-and-start; it's just telling a story about chaotic adolescence and doing so exactly right every time, with dialogue that threads that extremely narrow line of being naturalistic without sounding mumbled or indistinct and still managing to have razor-sharp punchlines for the many, many terrific jokes. Every performance is great and Gerwig doesn't overtell her stories. I wanted to know more about Stephen Henderson's emotionally wounded priest, and LADY BIRD just shrugged and said, basically, "it's not his story" and it was right to do so.

One of the best movies of the year, and a strong contender for best overall. I'm serious, Hollywood - Laurie Metcalf gets an Oscar or I will BURN SHIT DOWN.