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  • A Good Day to Die Hard

    A Good Day to Die Hard

    Ring ring...Ring ri...

    "Hello, Willis residence, alpha male speaking."

    "Bruce?! Hi, my name is John! I won a cereal packet competition to direct the new Die Hard movie!"

    "Uh-huh."

    "The film's set in Moscow and has an incomprehensible plot with barely believable twists! You wanna star?! You get to perform assault and battery and grand theft auto on disgusting johnny foreigners, all within the first few minutes!"

    "Sure. Now I'm old I've lost whatever critical faculties I had."

    "Done! You can do your lines over the phone now! We'll just CGI you in later!"

    "Yippee ki-yay, Mother Russia."

  • Requiem for a Dream

    Requiem for a Dream

    ★★★★★

    You'd think there was no upside to doing drugs.

    Oh, and I'm never watching this again.

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  • In Time

    In Time

    ★★

    Right chaps, one hour to write a film. Go.

    An hour? What could we do it about? An hour.

    Yep, one hour. One h…Oh, 59 minutes, 20 seconds. 19. 18…

    Oooh, it's about time!

    Brilliant! Quick, time sayings: not enough hours in the day.

    Don't waste my time!

    Wait, is that about what we're doing now…?

    Real time!

    For a few to be immortal, many must die!

    Yes! Er…?

    No one has to die before their time!

    Oooh, just smoosh those together!

    We need a star who's name works in…in…in…Justin! Just. In. Time. Get it?

    No. Wait. Yes!

    Man, this stuff writes itself...

  • Tower Heist

    Tower Heist

    ★★½

    Ingredients
    1 cup Ben Stiller (plain or regular)
    1 cup Eddie Murphy (100% Norbit free)
    1 ½ tablespoons Matthew Broderick (check the best-before date)
    1 teaspoon Alan Alda (get the evil whole stuff, not the mash)
    1 bunch of Generic Supporting Cast (the more eclectic the better)
    1 heaped cup Generic Heist Plot Line (use an old The Italian Job if you've nothing better lying around)
    100g Skyscraper Set Piece Action (with extra rope dangling)
    1 Macguffin

    Method
    1. Just add water and kind of mush everything together.

    Serves Fewer than the movie execs hoped.