• A Good Day to Die Hard

    A Good Day to Die Hard

    Ring ring...Ring ri...

    "Hello, Willis residence, alpha male speaking."

    "Bruce?! Hi, my name is John! I won a cereal packet competition to direct the new Die Hard movie!"

    "Uh-huh."

    "The film's set in Moscow and has an incomprehensible plot with barely believable twists! You wanna star?! You get to perform assault and battery and grand theft auto on disgusting johnny foreigners, all within the first few minutes!"

    "Sure. Now I'm old I've lost whatever critical faculties I had."

    "Done! You can do your lines over the phone now! We'll just CGI you in later!"

    "Yippee ki-yay, Mother Russia."

  • Requiem for a Dream

    Requiem for a Dream

    ★★★★★

    You'd think there was no upside to doing drugs.

    Oh, and I'm never watching this again.

  • Commando

    Commando

    ★★★

    Fuck that "no underpants" shit. Going commando to me will always mean delivering pithy one-liners while you use new and ever more inventive ways to annihilate the scum of the earth.

  • Predator

    Predator

    ★★★★½

    Twists are for pussies. No fuss, down-the-line, straight up and super-effective, it is what it is: a bunch of muscle-bound freaks fighting an alien in the jungle.

    The alien itself, the eponymous Predator, has stood the test of time, and while some movies have since diluted the stock somewhat, this monster's sheer physical and technological superiority still gives me the willies. I'm glad it was Arnie doing the fighting and not me.

  • Inkheart

    Inkheart

    ★★

    Despite the cast an Oscar-bait movie would kill for, let alone a matinée movie such as this, and a premise rife with possibility, Inkheart felt flat, lacking in magic. Which was a little bit disappointing, as if there was one thing this movie relied on, it was magic.

    Despite the fact I've never read it, I suspect children (and children at heart) would get more out of reading the book this was based on.

  • Micmacs

    Micmacs

    ★★★½

    One of the few directors that commands the right to be known as his own genre, Jean-Pierre Jeunet has come up with another vision of our world that is ever-so-slightly off-set from the real, just enough to be fantastical, but perhaps not enough to be a fantasy. Micmacs is not up to the standard of his greater works, but it whiles away the time nicely.

  • Prometheus

    Prometheus

    ★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I'm not sure I can think of another film off the top of my head that shows such expert execution in the art of film-making but such stupidheaded stupidity in so many aspects of its story. A film that's a curious mix of clichéd horror movie tropes, a patchwork of go-nowhere themes, a mysterious just for the sake of being fucking mysterious back-story all set to an old-school, yet still fresh — if done right — story.

    My lament: it could have…

  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    big robot transformed and made explosion and people running and they're in the building and building is falling over and desks are falling and things are ok whew and loud noises and shia la buff boeff buef i give up and what's up with his parents and can't believe i miss megan fox for her acting ability and what is this i think it's the robots are attacking again but who is which and there's a river and they get across and into that building and suddenly things are different no sense and no continuity and brain overload shutting down

  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

    Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

    This is not a film. This is psychological warfare. It's the MK Ultra of our generation. By blasting incoherence straight into our brains at a billion dB, "they" (rhymes with Bay: coincidence? I think not) render us incapable of forming logical whatsits, thingies, with the stuff…thoughts!…thoughts. I'm on to you Bay.

  • Transformers

    Transformers

    ★★★

    Big and loud and dumb, with a story an average six-year-old playing in the sandpit (fittingly with Transformers) would make up on the spot. It's the film equivalent of a candy store: it's fun while you're there and the content goes down easy, but every visit requires a subsequent brain diet to work off the mental flab the flicker of allsorts CGI metal and caramel Megan Fox skin induces.

  • The Big Lebowski

    The Big Lebowski

    ★★★★★

    It's testament to the power of this film that even though I hate, loathe, detest drinking milk, I will drink a White Russian.

  • Who's Camus Anyway?

    Who's Camus Anyway?

    ★★★½

    Stay till the end, do. If the entire film was only that ending, a sublime film-within-a-film (or is it? dum-dum-dummmmm), then I would have given it five stars. Pure genius.