Mike has written 13 reviews for films rated .

  • A Good Day to Die Hard

    A Good Day to Die Hard

    Ring ring...Ring ri...

    "Hello, Willis residence, alpha male speaking."

    "Bruce?! Hi, my name is John! I won a cereal packet competition to direct the new Die Hard movie!"

    "Uh-huh."

    "The film's set in Moscow and has an incomprehensible plot with barely believable twists! You wanna star?! You get to perform assault and battery and grand theft auto on disgusting johnny foreigners, all within the first few minutes!"

    "Sure. Now I'm old I've lost whatever critical faculties I had."

    "Done! You can do your lines over the phone now! We'll just CGI you in later!"

    "Yippee ki-yay, Mother Russia."

  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    big robot transformed and made explosion and people running and they're in the building and building is falling over and desks are falling and things are ok whew and loud noises and shia la buff boeff buef i give up and what's up with his parents and can't believe i miss megan fox for her acting ability and what is this i think it's the robots are attacking again but who is which and there's a river and they get across and into that building and suddenly things are different no sense and no continuity and brain overload shutting down

  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

    Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

    This is not a film. This is psychological warfare. It's the MK Ultra of our generation. By blasting incoherence straight into our brains at a billion dB, "they" (rhymes with Bay: coincidence? I think not) render us incapable of forming logical whatsits, thingies, with the stuff…thoughts!…thoughts. I'm on to you Bay.

  • The Wild Blue Yonder

    The Wild Blue Yonder

    I guess with Herzog, who isn't afraid to try things, including his own shoe, not everything will work. One of the end cred­its thanked NASA for their sense of poetry in allow­ing film of the train­ing and flight of STS-34 to be used. Poetry it might be, but I don’t really like poetry. I didn’t really like this film. Not even Brad Dourif maxing the crazy could save it.

  • Wrath of the Titans

    Wrath of the Titans

    Fuck it. Why do I bother?

    This is what happens when you take a sledgehammer to subtlety and go for eye candy over substance. Exempli gratia: why bother having a boring static Labyrinth with just the Minotaur when you can have an ultra-mega-cool LabyRiNTH™ (pat. pend.) that perpetually changes and is a so-hot-right-now door to Hades and is incidentally also home to a minotaur (like, who cares what it is or where it came from or why it's there: it. just. looks. so. cool. and. is. so. hot. right. now.)?

  • Day Watch

    Day Watch

    Even more incomprehensibler than Night Watch, if that's possible.

  • Night Watch

    Night Watch

    Incomprehensible trash, showcasing obsession with special effects to the detriment of cohesive storytelling. I was completely lost. Who were the good guys? Who were the bad guys? What was going on? Who were those people? Why did that guy do that? What is he doing now? Why did he say that? And why are you talking to that person now? I thought he was a baddie? Oh, he's a goodie? No, he's a baddie? Why would he do that to him? Who's she? Maybe I got lost in translation, but…Argh.

  • Hackers

    Hackers

    Ugh, cringeworthy. In an attempt to turn the cool dial to über our senses are so flooded with pseudo cyber-talk, tech as understood by someone who understands tech as meaningless light shows, and 90s no-fashion that realism is drowned in babble and cheese. And no, not even having Orbital, Leftfield, Underworld and Kruder and Dorfmeister on the soundtrack can save it.

  • Armageddon

    Armageddon

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Armageddon.

    Armageddon who?

    Armageddon was a really shit movie that made me want to barf.

  • Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

    Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

    "Join the Dark Side, Anakin."

    "I don't think so, you evil bastard of a Sith Lord."

    "Ah, go on, it's ever so fun."

    "Yeah, why not? Can I call you Dad?"

    The prequels were an abortion from start to finish.

  • Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

    Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

    Highly educational: for years I thought that sand was smooth and fluffy. Now I know better. It's coarse, it's irritating and it gets everywhere.

  • Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

    Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

    "They went up the ventilation shaft."

    Lucas pulled the script out of his own ventilation shaft, if you ask me. And directed it with his head wedged firmly in that breezy passage. The whole damned lot, midi-fucking-chlorians and all, can be jammed back up there too.