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  • The Three Musketeers

    The Three Musketeers

    ★★★½

    Forgot Tom was in this.

    Also, more movies need airships.

  • The Aviator

    The Aviator

    ★★★★½

    Marty expands Raging Bull from a Bronx tale to a Wagnerian epic, and turns an Oscar-tooled script into a lucid dream along the way.

  • Invader ZIM: Enter the Florpus

    Invader ZIM: Enter the Florpus

    ★★★

    His status as a Hot Topic darling notwithstanding, Jhonen Vasquez remains to me an eminently compelling cartoonist. There’s a touch of John K in his obsession with reveling in grotesque caricature, but his sense of humor regarding it is decidedly more Eli Roth than Bob Clampet, and his inspiration more Cronenberg than Warner Animation. As ever here, his best sight gags fall either under absurd, exaggerated nonsequitir or an existential sort of kid-on-an-anthill sadism; the kind that’s prevalent in the runaway success of “Rick and Morty” but none so pronounced or disturbingly gothic.

  • Aquaman

    Aquaman

    ½

    The kind of movie that’s bad in a way that really puts the whole state of things in perspective. The kind that has Kubrick and Von Trier alumni choke out paragraphs of expository scrawl to shorten the time between their respective screen time and the next assault of plasticine, pixelated strobe light mayhem. The kind that costs the sort of money that could feed a small country but nonetheless produces effects creations that resemble the thumb men from Spy Kids.…

  • The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

    The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

    ★★★★½

    Tfw they tell you to git gud so you do

  • The Mummy Returns

    The Mummy Returns

    What am I doing with my life

  • The Mummy

    The Mummy

    No one alive makes “fun” movies as boring or leaden as Stephen Sommers

  • Godzilla

    Godzilla

    ★½

    Sick viewing.

    The climax of this film is a treasure trove of product placement for stuff that no longer exists.

  • Deadpool 2

    Deadpool 2

    ½

    Simultaneously evokes the sensation of Jeff Dunham comedy, wallet chains, Korn t-shirts, “boobs” on a calculator, Ben Shapiro’s sense of humor, rage comics, and the scent of vape smoke.

  • Skyscraper

    Skyscraper

    ★½

    Why do all movies look like this now?

  • Collateral

    Collateral

    ★★★★

    "'What does it matter?' It doesn't.

    So fix it..."

  • Stealth

    Stealth

    ★★★½

    The apex predator of porridge-brained War on Terror action cinema, stirring archetypal global boogeymen into a hormonal stew that suggests its legendarily meatheaded director saw the previous year’s “Team America: World Police” and had the joke fly over his head. Indeed, there are hints that W.D. Richter had conceived this as a satire of sorts, but my pet theory is his original conception got caught up in the cogs of studio machinery to produce something where the tone of straight-faced…