Crypt of Dark Secrets

Crypt of Dark Secrets

Nearly everything about this regional drive-in dreck from Jack Weis (Quadroon, Mardi Gras Masacre) is putrid. The entire cast of non-actors delivers every line of banal dialogue like emotionless robots. You'll wonder how someone can mistake two feet of clear water for quicksand and why a murdered Vietnam vet would pop his collar after returning from the grave, or why a treasure map would be necessary when the trunk is buried in a foot of sand two steps onto the shore. If there isn't footage of the same snake gliding through the same patch of swamp being shown, there's interpretive dancing. Lots of pungent half-hearted interpretive dancing. And Maureen Ridley (Private Collection, Death Brings Roses) who can neither act (watch her eyebrows retract further and further into her hairline as she stumbles through her lines while affecting a terrible British accent for whatever reason) nor interpretive dance, but jumpin' Jesus in a bouncey castle, does she look incredible naked! There's an awful lot of her, figuratively and literally, to feast one's eyes upon, as the only reason anyone in their right mind would screen this junk in the first place.

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