The Devil All the Time

The Devil All the Time ★½

Dour nihilist horseshit that goes on for 100 hours... knew I'd hate it... please stop putting actors I like in unwatchably boring netflix movies....

BUT

Perfect for a performance ranking!

1. Harry Melling: stunned me in Buster Scruggs, hated his snivelling worm villain performance in The Old Guard ("please stop putting actors I like in unwatchably boring netflix movies"), completely won me back around here. Pours a load of CGI spiders on his head, murders Mia Wasikowska with the ill-conceived assumption that God will resurrect her, chooses to die rather than fuck Riley Keough... what more can I ask for in a performance? Magnificent. 10/10.

2. Eliza Scanlen: the meatiest female role in the movie - which I cannot stress enough means less than nothing, they all do absolutely nothing then die tragically - and Scanlen gives a typically sweet and sensitive performance. She deserves to be paid reparations for the despicable way her character is handled. 8/10.

3. Jason Clarke: cinema's most beloved cuck strikes again; this time he's a serial killer too! He will angrily murder you if you refuse to fuck his wife! (and also if you do fuck his wife, but may as well go out with a bang). Clarke's sections are arguably the most interesting parts of the movie, but they could still stand to be a lot more fun. He's reliably solid. 7/10.

4. Haley Bennett: filmed just after she had her baby irl and she's glowing! Shame all she does is slowly die of cancer, but hey. Pretty bad wig. 7/10.

5. Pokey LaFarge: is named "Pokey LaFarge". 7/10.

6. Tom Holland: a totally alright lead performance from a totally alright movie star, forged in the fires below Marvel Studios as a personification of their critically acceptable mediocrity. Weird hearing him swear. 6/10.

7. Douglas Hodge: was apparently also in the last movie I did a performance ranking of, flower auction epic Tulip Fever, but I didn't rank him then so I thought I'd give him a break this time. Shares all his scenes with Sebastian Stan so I wasn't really paying attention. 6/10.

8. Riley Keough: spends the whole movie being quietly concerned, then is shot in the face. Riley Keough getting nothing to do in a bad netflix movie??? Wait until congress hears about this! 6/10.

9. Robert Pattinson: have the same issue here as I did with him in The King; it's a deeply silly OTT performance in a boring self-serious movie, so I should be savouring every second of it... yet I'm still just not invested at all. His gag reflex question is maybe the only funny line in the script though. 5/10.

10. Mia Wasikowska: spends the majority of her screen time slowly bleeding out after getting stabbed in the neck. Congrats to her agent for getting her the 'and' billing. I guess she was the lead in a billion dollar blockbuster once upon a time. How weird is that. 5/10.

11. Bill Skarsgard: when I look at Bill Skarsgard, I definitely think "rugged midwestern dad" and not "meticulous serial killer" or "lactose intolerant lesbian supermodel". 4/10.

12. Sebastian Stan: residual Bucky hatred influencing me here, but this is a boring actor playing a boring character in the most boring parts of a boring movie. He gets jerked off into a cup in his opening scene and it's only downhill from there. 2/10.

13. Donald Ray Pollock as The Narrator: feel like I've defended specific instances of narration on here over the years, because it does seem to get universal hatred as a device and sometimes I believe the added inner monologue can be helpful. But having descriptive, non-character narration from the AUTHOR OF THE NOVEL the film is based on in the year of our lord 2020 is simply unnacceptable. Feel like I deducted an extra half star from the film every time he started speaking. Burn in hell. 0/10

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