Be kind. So true. I shall first be kind to all by saying I care about people more than I do about movies. If you like this movie, I like you. If you believe that you'll believe anything! Now I'm off to Hater Island where the weather is awful and the people are tiresome. Join me, won't you!

The emotional and philosophical core of this film is a googly-eyed Live Love Laugh pillow owned by someone who says “awesomesauce” in casual conversation. Stop reading this.

The Daniels (cringe!) main “auteur-thing” is to have a weak idea and then bring it to fruition with much clapping and party poppers, begging you to forgive them for existing. Be kind!

So I saw my cat being chased by a bee today. What if that bee stung my cat in his anus? Fun. What if then instead of dying, the bee (voiced by Werner Herzog) stays alive and uses his stinger to control my cat's mind?? Quirky. Then they become a Michelin star chef-oh no! I reverse engineered a Ratatouille! Well I could change it... or I could see it through to fruition with much clapping and uh-oh a butt plug! Bee kind!

Be Cruel is more my motto. As they say, live long enough and you'll turn into Sid from Toy Story. I am become Thanos, I am become blackhole emptiness bagel (cringe). I physically cannot become Jobu Tupaki (cringe!) because they're so unconvincing. When they did the ketchup joke my soul left the theatre and disintegrated above the clouds, only to return to me now as I sharpen my blade.

One of the countless deceitful ideas the Daniels put forward is that, in this universe, shoving things up your arse is incredibly improbable. Uh yeah, sure, okay?? I guess I'm the idiot. I'm the fool for leaning in to hear Randy Newman beneath the deafening roar of the Turn-Down-for-What self-help-book Matrix pastiche (with your fav actors held hostage) as they stick on Clair De Lune and (by the blood of christ!) make a reference 2001: A Space Odyssey and are praised for their originality?? Is a towering inferno of other people's better ideas original? It takes courage to believe in art and not just try and please everyone all the time. If you were to ask the Daniels what kind of music they like they'd scream, “Oh I like everything!” then diarrhoea fireworks up the wall and hand you an IOU for a handjob you never wanted.

I lied about Hater Island. I have many friends here. The weather is good, the rocks don't speak and you can shove stuff up your arse anytime. We're all grown-ups, it's not a big deal.

(Hot Dog Hands is a brilliant animated short by Matt Reynolds, came out in 2016, that's a full six years ahead of the fantastic fart brothers. Coincidence? I think not!)