The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger ★★

A visually amazing movie with good chemistry between the two leads and one of the best action set pieces of the last decade is covered up by this bizarre, uninteresting and bloated adaptation that basically just wants to be Pirates of the Caribbean but without the same heart or flair that made those films what they are. The clunky and confused script doesn’t know what to do with itself and just makes its characters be complete buffoons that don’t understand what real emotions are. The idea of Tonto narrating the entire story doesn’t make any sense. I was trying to picture what the film would be like if it was any different and if they didn’t keep cutting back randomly to old Tonto and don’t you know it, it would have been the same movie.

The first 60 minutes aren’t really the first act. The first and second acts are kind of blended in together, making the first hour feel completely useless and pathetic. This action-adventure blockbuster somehow fails at being all the three things I just mentioned. It’s bloated almost to the point of some scenes being completely boring, it flopped at the box office for that very same reason, and at its core, it just didn’t feel like a movie that needed to be made. I really like Armie Hammer and he’s probably the only endearing part of the film, but the lines he was given were just so out of tune. The miniscule moments of emotion just straight up didn’t work because the film is always trying to move on or make some quirky joke and it just doesn’t work.

There were times I wanted the film to slow down and others where I wanted the opposite. I also didn’t like how cartoonish the film felt at times. I get that the movie is being narrated by Tonto and he’d be one to dramatize things, but so much stuff in the film feels so out of place sometimes. There’s literally a scene where a guy carves someone’s heart out and proceeds to EAT IT, and a few minutes later, there’s another scene with John, after being concussed by Tonto, wakes up to being atop a giant tower in the desert. How did he get there? How did he get down? Well, I’m not sure because they cut to him just walking down a slope to confront Tonto. The filmmakers could have made a great gag out of him trying to get down, but instead it just leaves the audience to believe if that was supposed to be cut out of the film ro not. And at the end of that day, after all the negatives and tiny little positives I’ve said about this film, it honestly pains me to realize how big of a flop this was.

I love Gore Verbinski and Pirates of the Caribbean with all my heart, and to see this, which is basically just a copy and paste version of that, and to see it fail miserably is so tragic to me. I can’t bring myself to hate this film, because it honestly just makes me feel sad. It’s a mostly fun time with a few amazing action sequences, but what will anyone really get out of it?

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