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  • Super Mario Bros.

    Super Mario Bros.

    ★★★★

    I fully understand why a lot of people consider this a bad movie. It misses its target demographic by a very generous mile and then some. It's too adult for kids, and too silly for parents. But beyond that disconnect is a wildly original and unique movie that I find irresistibly entertaining. Yes, I unironically enjoy Super Mario Bros. AND, without that cowardly "so bad it's good" bullshit.

    The movie is surprisingly dark, relentlessly weird, and takes place mostly in…

  • Virtuosity

    Virtuosity

    ★★★½

    Russell Crowe's back hurts from carrying this whole movie while simultaneously chewing so much scenery, a mortal man would have died. So basically, a really fun time. Dated techno babble about VR and cyber-shit is 110% my jam, and Virtuosity delivers in spades- while also cashing in on the 90's CG "morphing" craze.

    It's like someone dropped a '90s Batman movie supervillain into a ho-hum cop-catches-killer flick. Crowe spouts morbid one-liners, chews glass to regenerate his android body, and hams…

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  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens

    Star Wars: The Force Awakens

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I really really liked this movie when I first saw it. Throughout 2016, I really really liked this movie. But, last night, my opinion of it got major complicated. I've always excused or explained its copycatting of A New Hope as a necessary move because fans were bitter about the prequels. But, fuck fans. If this is what they brought the franchise down to, fuck them.

    All three prequels were better than this movie. They at least showed us new…

  • Spider

    Spider

    ★★★★

    Wow, this movie is like if David Cronenberg's The Fly and Andrzej Żuławski's Posession had a Russian/Latvian baby in the 90's, and it was christened by Ken Russell. In short, it's fucking crazy. It's about a young woman named Vita who's picked out by a local artist to model for his commissioned painting of the Virgin Mary. The local priest is wary, but agrees that it's for a good cause. The movie wastes no time plunging Vita into a psycho-sexual…