Con Air ★★★★½

The year is 2040, I am trying cocaine for the first time. The rush hits me. I feel euphoric and elated, anxious too. My body warms with the tickle of flames. This feeling, it's familiar. It's the exact feeling I had 20 years ago watching Con Air for the first time. Somewhere, a screeching guitar solo squeals as I scream in my best southern Cage accent "PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX!" At once, I grasp all infinities. They are united in me by the new divine revelation in Con Air. I am thrust headfirst in a raging fireball through the pearly gates. Humanity was never supposed to come this close to godhood.

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