completely, utterly juiceless. like every production blessed by the perfectionist hand of apple originals, watching this feels like eating a hundred slices of stale bread baked by the most sensible people in the world. painfully inoffensive, tasteful and devoid of any idiosyncracies. this is ted lasso for people who have a sex life as clinical as bonaparte's.
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Ocean's Eight 2018
they knocked it out of the park casting Cate Blanchett as Lesbian Brad Pitt. it's just a real shame they didn't commit to the infinitely more interesting storyline there and instead we get another 8k HDR reimagining of popular thing with the absolute blandest, safest, please-dont-upset-the-shareholders plot. it's fine, and, sure, it's fun. but me screenshotting every outfit Cate wears is not a replacement for character development.
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Suspiria 1977
uhhhh i'm sorry to report this did nothing for me. not even the pretty lights. i don't think i've ever felt so little watching something. ooohhhh witches are bad because everyone knows they're bad! main girlie had zero personality and was kinda Just There but she defeats the eeeeevil people! ok
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A Clockwork Orange 1971
tedious. and for what? i can open 4chan dot org in my browser and have the same "much to think about" experience 135 times faster
