Freddy vs. Jason ★★★

“Do you want to hear a scary story?”

“Do I?”

“Um... do you?”

“Yes.”

“So, there’s this disabled kid...”

“This isn’t scary.”

“It gets scary, so there’s this kid...”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s disabled.”

“That’s... not a thing.”

“He’s sort of lumpy.”

“You’re a terrible person.”

“...and he drowns.”

“A terrible, terrible person.”

“Then his mum comes back and kills all the kids that were responsible for this death, then they kill her.”

“Okay, getting better.”

“Then one of them gets away, but BOOM zombie kid comes out of the lake and drags her down.”

“Wait, there are zombies now?”

“So, a few weeks later, the zombie has grown up.”

“Zombies can grow up?”

“This one can.”

“Despite not growing up for the thirty years or so that he was in the lake?”

“Yes.”

“Fine.”

“And he’s not a zombie anymore. He’s a guy who lives in a shack with a bag on his head and eats beans and stuff.”

“...”

“So he kills some more people, then gets a hockey mask and kills some other people and then gets killed by a little kid...”

“Really? Just a kid?”

“No. Not just a kid. A kid with a shaved head.”

“Okay. Makes perfect sense.”

“I know, right? Then someone pretends to be him for a bit and kills some other people.”

“That sounds sort of pointless.”

“It is. But don’t worry, because the original kid is raised as a zombie by some lightening.”

“I thought he was already a zombie.”

“Yeah, well, now he’s a zombie again.”

“Okay. Fine. So what happens?”

“Well, they find a magic spell to trap him.”

“What’s the spell?”

“Strapping him to a rock and dumping him in a lake.”

“...that’s not strictly magic.”

“But then this girl with telekinesis accidentally raises him.”

“Since when has there been psychic powers in this story?”

“Since now. But also always.”

“Fine. So then what happens?”

“He gets dragged back into the lake by the psychically reanimated corpse of the telekinetic girl’s father.”

“Well, obviously. Does he come back again? Don’t tell me, someone... hits him with an anchor and he just wakes up.”

“...”

“That’s what happens, isn’t it?”

“Yes. But stick with it, he goes to New York. Oh, and he sort of has the ghost of the little kid that he also is following him around a bit.”

“That sounds good.”

“Yeah, it’s not really. But he does get melted by toxic waste.”

“Wow. That sounds pretty hard to come back from.”

“I know. He does though.”

“Wow. How?”

“He just sort of turns up.”

“Oh.”

“And then gets immediately blown up! By grenades! And a whole SWAT team! And kung fu!”

“Ahahahahaha, no really what happens?”

“That.”

“Oh.”

“But then it turns out there’s some sort of weird demon thing that’s been giving him his powers and it can pass from person to person.”

“So we have zombies that can grow up, ghosts, psychics and now demons. Anything else I should know about?”

“Well, I’m just getting onto the sleep inhabiting undead paedophile... wait, wait, come back! You’ll miss the bit where he gets flown into space and turns into a robot!”

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