Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

So far up it's own ass with magical curses and bland mythology that this no longer resembles the perfect Curse of the Black Pearl in any way. I absolutely adore the Pirates original trilogy; but these past two films have been abysmal. They try their hardest to grandfather in a new cast by tying them intrinsically to the old (like Star Wars) but it seems the thought put in to the characters ends there. Both are remarkably unlikable; with simplistic motivations and no depth at all. The guy is basically a hollow recreation of Will Turner. Principled with a strong moral code, blah blah blah. It worked for Will because we were shown who he is, not told. Pirates 5 tells us. Over and over again. Same with the female lead. We're told probably twenty times (no exaggeration) that she's a scientist, with a knack for astronomy and other sciences. It's a cool idea, but again it is screamed at us throughout the movie.

Other issues, aside from the two leads being laughably awful? The villain! I love me some Bardem, but what a stupid character! The design is laughable, his accent is so bad I have to believe it was intentional, and his "villainy" is really never established outside of what we're told. He's mostly an accessory here, as are the British, and their purpose in the film really only amounts to establishing a sense of urgency. What else? Uh, there's continuity issues galore, but I've given up caring about that. The oceans in this are apparently very tiny, as every ship ever almost constantly runs into one another. The fan service near the end is stupid as hell, but really the whole film is. Of the five "stories" Dead Men Tell No Tales contains, a grand total of zero of them hold any merit. They all want this trident for some reason, and I couldn't give a shit who walked away with it.

The only semblance of quality to be wrung from this lies in it's pathetic attempts to mimic it's predecessors. Johnny still kills it as Jack Sparrow, literally the only thing I was able to hold onto during this. Scenes are cheaply rehashed to lesser effect, losing all originality in the regurgitation process. Images are anything but crisp, characters are flimsy at best and the entire plot feels like a sad excuse to dive into some poorly delivered pirate mythology. It plays like a Pirates of the Caribbean greatest hits record performed by lesser artists. So basically Kidz Bop. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is the cinematic equivalent to Kidz Bop.

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