Tenet

Tenet ★★

You cannot tell me this movie isn’t dumb as hell.

Here’s a list of 10 reasons why:

Welcome to my Ted Talk.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. This is Chris at his Nolanest. By the end it almost seemed like a parody.

2. Washington is so much like his father! That’s never bothered me before, but it’s like he’s doing a shitty Denzel in this movie. Blackkklansman is his best so far and he was goofy as shit in that.

3. Speaking of, Bob Pattinson is so clearly dicking around. Against Washington playing it so straight is so off-putting.

4. You cannot tell me there wasn’t at least one person in the cast that just didn’t get it at all. Like was Michael Caine just like yeah Chris whatever I’ll do the one scene.

5. WHO TAKES KEN BRANAGH SERIOUSLY. For real! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Has anyone else on the planet seen his Hamlet?? The guy is insane. And especially with his stupid Russian accent and those dumb slides - how you could ever take him seriously as a super villain?? Who thought that was a good idea??

6. In the first five minutes that lady is explaining Tenet to Washington and she just goes “Don’t try and understand”. Like they immediately said you’re screwed .

7. The whole “I’m the protagonist” “No you’re a protagonist” bs

8. The entire grandfather paradox thing is so sloppy here. Pattinson only gives like half a delivery anyway.

9. The final exchange between Pattinson and Washington is just like a series of one liners. It’s supposed to be cool but instead it just drags because every line feels like they’re ending the movie

10. PLEASE DON’T SLEEP ON KEN BRANAGH’S SLIDES

There are so many more but I capped it at 10.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

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