Battleship ★½

After getting tasered by the police for ransacking a gas station in order to microwave a burrito for a girl he fancies (Brooklyn Decker), Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is forced into joining the Navy by his disapproving brother (Alexander Skarsgård). Finding himself in the position of weapons officer despite being notoriously hot-headed and completely unreliable, the now Lieutenant Hopper is further promoted when an alien armada slaughters his superior officers and isolates his ship from the rest of the fleet. While Alex fights for his life against four extraterrestrial warships, with only a sixty year-old boat, a chart-topping Barbadian and a geriatric crew of retirees for help, Girl From Earlier (who is actually the Admiral’s daughter AND a buxom physiotherapist) walks up a hill with a crippled war veteran who has apparently given up the fight for good. Or has he? Do we care? Maybe he’s a cyborg? Wait, huh?

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