• The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

    The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

    ★★★★

    I guess I need to watch Paddington 2 now.

    This is very similar to JCVD, but a lot more entertaining with a lot less reading. To the less subtitles for my dumb fucking brain goes the spoils.

  • Matilda

    Matilda

    ★★½

    Pee-wee Herman and Bob the Goon need their own movie.

    Danny DeVito is a good director and should’ve made more movies. It’d be a damn shame if the only reason why he didn’t was because he found it too hard to climb into those tall director chairs.

    The little girl who plays Matilda looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell. The internet says she is Ben Shapiro’s cousin. He looks like a crying lizard and would totally love this…

  • Pig

    Pig

    ★★★

    At first I thought Nic Cage once again plays another cop, but that’s not what this movie is about at all.

  • 42 to 1

    42 to 1

    “Buthsta Douglith beat the thit outta me,” - Mike Tyson.

  • Long Gone Summer

    Long Gone Summer

    Baseball wouldn’t be so boring if they still let the players get all juiced up. The MLB currently goes through great lengths to bring fans back and make the game modern. None of it ever works. Letting these big, dumb clowns ‘roid up did work and would totally work again.

    What’s most interesting about this doc isn't the eery coincidence that the Cubs and Cardinals played each other during these record breaking games. It isn't the fact that McGwire was accepted…

  • Jurassic Park III

    Jurassic Park III

    ★★★½

    Jurassic Park 3 is Jurassic Park compared to Jurassic World. The dinosaurs look kind of shitty and every character ever named Billy in a film always sucks, especially this one. But the story, some decent action (I’m team birdcage), and Sam Neill make this the third best Jurassic movie. For me, it’s the only franchise that progressively gets worse with each and every entry. Usually franchises come in waves, with some fun sequels sprinkled here or there. Jurassic Park hit…

  • Celtics/Lakers: Best of Enemies

    Celtics/Lakers: Best of Enemies

    It’s pretty cool how they have duel narrators; Ice Cube for LA’s story and Donnie Wahlberg for Boston’s. Even though he’s only put out one album in the last decade, Ice Cube rules and I wish I didn’t have to feel weird about wearing my Cube t-shirt in public. Donnie Wahlberg sucks but the show The Wahlburgers is a guilty pleasure. I tried a burger from Wahlburgers once and it was garbage. Just like the Celtics, ya fawkin’ green goblin losers.

  • Old

    Old

    ★★★

    Their hair would’ve kept growing since it isn’t dead until it’s past the root. It would be a beach full of gross, super hairy people until they all eventually go bald and die. That might be the better movie, but this wasn’t bad.

  • Walking Across Egypt

    Walking Across Egypt

    ★★★★★

    JTT’s Oscar worthy performance tickles the heartstrings and brings a warming sense of hope to anybody brave enough to watch this masterpiece. Unlike his television father’s home, his acting chops do not need any improvement. His ability to become a juvenile delinquent with a southern accent outshines the rest of the phenomenal cast, including the likes of acting giants Ellen Burstyn and the late/great Judge Reinhold. Plus, there’s a scene where Ellen asks JTT if he ever stuck his finger…

  • The Day the Series Stopped

    The Day the Series Stopped

    I think it’s safe to say that the Oakland Coliseum would just collapse at this point if that big of an earthquake hit these days. All the rats in the walls would have to find a new home, but that’d be easy, it’s Oakland! I have an uncle in the bay and I’ve used this as an excuse for my affinity towards both of these two fine ball clubs my whole life. And, it really sucks that you now have…

  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    ★★

    The most well lit movie that takes place during the night ever. That might just be because their shitty looking version of a Texas town looks more like where Back to the Future takes place. Ohh spooky.

    It’s too bad that the crazy lady who we are supposed to remember (the Jamie Lee Curtis character) didn’t just grow up and forget about her high school friends like everybody else does. Instead, she’s obsessed with them 50 years later. A lot…

  • Final Destination

    Final Destination

    ★½

    This movie started a franchise? This feature length Dawson’s Creek episode that seems like it was filmed entirely on the set of a sitcom spawned four sequels?? It’s interesting that Devon Sawa didn’t have a premonition about me wanting to die while watching this, because I did.