Carol ★★★★★

“But now old friends are acting strange/They shake their heads, and they say that I’ve changed.”

As the words from Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now linger in my head and Carol smiles at Therese I can’t help but think about the past year of my life. When I first watched the movie I connected so deeply to Therese and I still do. When I read the book I was this little gay kid who had no one to talk to and Therese made me feel seen and made me feel normal. That was all while I was in love with Colin but now, after having traumatizing experiences with him and realizing that it wasn’t love, I feel so different. I feel like I’ve seen love from both sides and I connect to Carol with I never used to. I understand her aloofness and her reproach from Therese because she’s already been through this and she knows what can and will come from it. And I remember that I was like Therese, I used to “seek resolutions because [I was] young..” but now I know, God I really know better than most people that not everything has an ending, a resolution, some things just are, it changes and it’s nobody’s fault. But I really do hope that when I die I will imagine him there to greet me, “our lives stretched out ahead of us, a perpetual sunrise.”

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