The Odyssey

The Odyssey ★★★★★

My friends who I've known for years are trying to phase me out and it feels like they're gaslighting me and it's working and then Colin (a man who ruined my life and I continue to cling to to this day) is back in town and I so badly want to go and see him because I miss him so much and it hurts to not be near him. And I feel so overwhelmed because this is the first time in years that I've been without therapy or medication and it feels like I'm drowning and screaming for help and everyone is looking the other way. I feel so lost and alone and I'm so tired of being alone. And I know everyone says "Oh we all go through this" but it's so hard to grow up without a father, the only gay person in your religious republican family and with no one to talk to until one day you find people who will listen and understand and love you and then eventually they grow tired of you and leave you alone to suffer and I'm so desperate to have anyone to talk to but no one wants to and it hurts so much sometimes that I wish I would just die so i don't have to feel like this anymore.

Watching The Odyssey is like seeing the physical embodiment of my emotional state right now. She's losing it and feels like shes going to die because she's been abused and hurt and she loses what made her feel seen and safe and so she looks to pills and alcohol to numb the feelings but that works for only so long. And she realizes that maybe this is what she wants. There is something comforting and safe about the chaos and it's because she spent so long in it that it feels normal to her. She built the ship to wreck because this is what she wanted all along and shes screaming and bleeding and she knows that she'll be okay but right now it's almost unbearable that she can't help but take anything she can to make herself happy and she's losing touch with everything and everyone and all these problems are what's making her worse because everyone is leaving her and she wanted that same danger but this is a different kind of danger and it feels like everyone is driving her away but actually its just her doing all this to herself and she so desperately wants to be fine and for things to be okay but shes the same shes the same but shes trying to change and she really wants to change and she hopes that she can because she can't go on living like this because she knows what will happen if she does.

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