• The Black Phone

    The Black Phone

    ★½

    this is like if licorice pizza was about child abduction in the 70s. and also really bad

  • Ravenous

    Ravenous

    ★★★

    robert carlyle eats

  • As Above, So Below

    As Above, So Below

    ★★★★★

    >looking for philsophers stone
    >ask the papillion if the catacombs are creepy or wet
    > he doesnt understand, i pull nicolas flamels tombstone off the wall and cover it with cleaning products to explain
    > he laughs and says "c'est une cave madame"
    >go to the cave
    >its wet
    >its creepy

  • Shakes the Clown

    Shakes the Clown

    ★★★★

    i think what my generation needs is another good, hearty clown movie

  • Killer Klowns from Outer Space

    Killer Klowns from Outer Space

    ★★★★½

    age 17: this is so corny and stupid. this movie is mid as hell

    now: this is so corny and stupid. this is the best movie ive ever seen

  • It

    It

    ★★★

    incredibly lopsided in quality, incredibly homosocial, incredible tim curry performance. kiss me fatboy. ive watched it before, ill probably watch it again. such is the curse that steve has placed upon me. i hate you steve and i hate maine you stupid old fuck

  • Jurassic Park

    Jurassic Park

    ★★★★

    why was this jurassic world dominion prequel so much better

  • Catwoman: Hunted

    Catwoman: Hunted

    ★★★

    Celebrity voice acting and animation style aside it’s so incredibly charming and filled with delightful character details and references. Good fun

  • Stagefright

    Stagefright

    ★★★½

    This is just like working in theater is like

  • Fire Island

    Fire Island

    ★★★★★

    This time around I really soaked in every time Conrad ricamora was shirtless and let me tell you, it’s worth it

  • Practical Magic

    Practical Magic

    Nicole Kidman I will follow you to the ends of the earth, even to the mediocre whimsical magic movie if you’re playing a hot slutty witch

  • Jurassic World Dominion

    Jurassic World Dominion

    ½

    where to begin with this, i dont even think its worth the words but im gonna say them anyway. this movie is like a video game cutscene that you keep thinking is about to end, and give you control of the game, and then it cuts to a different scene in a different location. we used to get licensed video game adaptations, then they essentially became the frankenmovie sequels that are inflicted upon us every somewhere. to call it incoherent…