Artemis Fowl

Awful. My daughter and I were both interested in this, and it wasn't long before that interest faded.

First off: How are you supposed to like a character that is the "smartest person alive"? The very first second you meet Artemis, you dislike him. INSTANTANEOUS DISLIKE. (For reference: See The Book of Henry, at your own risk.)

Now for today's lessons on: How to Tell if a Film is a Turd

Clue #1: Is there a narrator? If yes, does the narrator tell you EVERYTHING that is happening? If yes, good chance the film is a turd. Additionally: when you have that narrator trying to do the Bat-voice for the entirety of the narration, it grates.

Clue #2: Have you noticed that you never actually SEE any of the actors saying the words that are coming out of the film? In this one, off-screen dialog occurs for stretches in the film that last for at least five minutes. Added bonus: There's a Macguffin in this film, the Aculus, that our characters mention at least 12 times off screen before you actually SEE a character say the word on-screen.

Clue #3: Sorry, couldn't make it too far past the abrupt introduction of Faerie-Land. WOW is this film a mess.

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