Interstellar

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"Stay."



Expositionterstellar is a movie about astronauts and space travel. The reason why these astronauts are performing space travel is because they want to find an inhabitable world for humans because Earth has decided to clock out.

Why has Earth clocked out you may ask?

I don’t even think the movie knows.

Apparently, a large chunk of Earth’s population was wiped out somehow and everything in the world is now dry and people have to resort to crop farming in order to generate food for people. I said “apparently” because the movie never shows this “acropalypse” happen and instead, everything is explained through expository dialogue, because that’s always a great, active way to tell a story, right? Earth (or at least the part that we’re shown) sometimes experiences dust storms and this causes people to cough and die because, I’m assuming, there’s asbestos in the fucking dust.

Our main character is Cooper (Matthew McConaughey), a family man who has two children, named Murph and Tom (it’s totally obvious that he definitely loves Murph more because she likes space and stuff). Cooper used to be a pilot for NASA and this makes him interested in space and stuff and airplanes and stuff. Anyway, to make a long story short, Cooper ends up stumbling onto a secret NASA base where a bunch of scientists and astronauts are planning on launching a manned mission into outer space to find an inhabitable world because Earth is currently being eaten up by the “Expositionpocalypse”.

This group of scientronauts is headed by Professor “I’m Not In Need of a First Name” Brand (Michael Caine). Brand’s daughter, Amelia (Anne Hathaway), is one of the three astronauts going into space and joining her are Doyle (Wes Bentley) and Romilly (David Gyasi). The only thing that the mission is missing is a pilot and, guess fucking what, that pilot is going to be none other than Cooper because, as Professor Brand says, is the “bhest pilot we've eva had”. Gee, what a fucking weird coincidence it is that Cooper just happened to stumble onto this base just as NASA needed him the most.

Plotconvenienceterstellar spends time with the characters (more specifically Cooper and his children) for the first 40 minutes or so as NASA is planning to launch Cooper, Amelia, Doyle, and Romilly into spaaaaaaaaace. The movie suffers its first major, major flaw with me here because the characters are all just so very, very bland. It doesn't help either that the movie never really goes into detail about the “acropalypse” and so it made me not care at all that NASA wanted to find an inhabitable world. The movie was basically saying, “stuff happened, and who cares about explaining it, so we just want you to care about this stuff”. No.

To be honest, when the foursome was launched into space, I was hooked until just after they reached the other side of the wormhole (the scene of them penetrating and traversing this hole was easily my most favorite part). Also, seeing Coop receive Skype video calls from his children did tug at my heartstrings a little bit, despite the characters being boring (it might have just been due to McConaughey’s great ability to portray emotions in his face).

After the wormhole thing, some space shit happens and then the movie delves into its final hour and this is where I began to become more and more pissed off.

Okay, imagine this: imagine a kid (about five to six years old) that has severe ADHD and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). The last hour of Plotconvenienceterstellar is this kid at his fucking peak. In the last hour, the movie starts throwing too many subplots and “ideas” at the screen to try and hold the attention of the viewer. What was crammed into the movie’s final hour could have been crammed into a two hour movie and shit would still be leaking out of the top. For me, it all just became too damn draining and convoluted that I was consistently trying to claw my way out of the container of overflowing shit and, honestly, I’m still trying to get out of it. It’s like Nolan wrote down a bunch of ideas on a long paper and then had to try and find a way to cram all of them into the movie.

For the IBS part, that’s the movie’s final 20 minutes, which made me continuously facepalm myself until I left a permanent impression of my hand on my face. In this final 20 minutes, FOR ME, the movie shit the bed. That little kid with ADHD and IBS just completely shits everywhere. Shit sprays on the white bedsheets, the walls, the ceiling, fucking everywhere. It got so downright terrible for me at this last section of the movie that I was laughing out loud because it just got so fucking preposterous and absurd (in a bad way).

Another thing that really angered me was the fact that Cooper’s ship was able to receive Skype video calls from Earth despite the ship traveling through A FUCKING WORMHOLE INTO ANOTHER GALAXY! How the fuck would the data be able to travel through the wormhole? Coop can’t send stuff back to Earth for some fucking reason, so how the fucking fuck is he able to receive videos then? Thank god the Plot Convenience Comet is traveling through the universe!

Interstellar is pretty to look at and there some scenes of genuine emotion. I also enjoyed McConaughey’s performance as well as the implementation of a robot named TARS (which is funny to say because it just goes to show how bland the human characters are if a fucking robot is the only character I really care for).

The whole movie just shits itself before it ends and this just drove my feelings towards it into the ground. It tells more than it shows and sometimes shows more than it tells. It’s like one of those “show and tell” things they used to have at my elementary school. There would be that one kid that would bring up that bad ass looking action figure, show it to the class, and then sit back down without going into detail about what it was, where he got it, or why he brought it. Then there would be that other kid that would bring up something uninteresting like a fucking hat and talk about it for so long until we’re both sitting in our caps and gowns ready to graduate high school.

And, just like elementary, middle, and high school, Interstellar is one very long and tedious process full of false knowledge, characters (students) that I strongly disliked, a professor that made me want to fall asleep, and plot conveniences.

And there’s nothing I hate more than real life plot conveniences.

Plotconvenienceterstellar blasts off like a rocket but explodes before it can even reach the stratosphere.

And I challenge you to find a better metaphor than that.

Or a better pun.

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