Nomadland ★★★★★


Every now and then, I watch a film at the perfect time in my life.

It's too relatable, too close to home. I don't think I've ever seen a film that physically hurt me to watch. It somehow understands me, understands what I've been thinking and what's been eating away at me, and reflects that back for me to see.

"Is this familiar?" it asks.

"Does this remind you of someone?" it taunts.

"This is you." it asserts.

It doesn't have to. I've known, I've known now for a while. But I needed to see it in front of me in order to move on.


"I don't need help." That's what I tell myself.

I'm an adult. I've finished school. I'm supposed to have things in order. I'm not supposed to be unemployable. I'm not supposed to float around for years. I'm not supposed to hurt the people I care about.

So I'd rather disappear from the world than move forward.

I found a hole. It's nice. It's my corner away from the world. And I crawl in. My eyes are heavy and my body weary. I feel like I could sleep forever. And if I do, just slip the dirt blanket over me.

I can't accept help. That's what I realize.


How many years have I been at my low point? How many low points has it already been? How many times have I wanted to leave it in the hands of god? But I could never do it.

I wish I could say it was for the sake of others, but I guess it was always for me. I was never ready.


I want to find a right moment to die. I don't want it to be soon, but I'd rather it sooner than later if the opportunity is right.

I want to be financially independent, so I don't burden anyone with my passing; I want to be remembered fondly by my friends, before I inevitably ruin my friendships; I want to like my body, so the last image people have of me is the one I want instead of the one I hate.

But mostly, I want to be able to feel like I have no regrets and no baggage to leave behind. Just a clean, easy death.


Yet, I also want to find someone who makes me want to live as much as I can. I want to find someone who makes me want to be better. I want to find someone who makes me want to be happy.

It's hard to see it. The days of dreaming about having a spouse, two kids, and a golden retriever are long gone. It's easier to imagine myself divorced than it is having a family.

But I'd at least like to feel it could've been, if things were different. If I didn't make the mistakes I made or the decisions I regret. If I got my life together earlier instead of years of self-sabotage.

Then I could rest easy, dreaming of a dream.


There's no final goodbye.

As long as I'm remembered by the people I love, I'll still be somewhere down the road. Let's see each other again.


And to my younger sister, I'm sorry for not being around all these years. I wish I could've left you a better memory.

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