Avengers: Infinity War ★★★★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

This is going to be kind of a personal blog sorta 'review', so.

Also, spoilers and stuff.

So yeah.

... I'm having trouble figuring out where to begin. This movie itself has been on my mind, but more than that it seems to have knocked something loose (in my mind). Or, uh, more likely, I'm in the process of knocking some things loose and this movie comes along at a time where it feels like a moment. And I'm quite well aware of how silly that must seem to folks who regard this movie as trash, as another herald of the death of cinema, and so on.

I will for sure take a moment to say that I don't understand all of the complaints I'm reading. There are some I find compelling (I try to be a critic, too), but when I see someone going ALL THIS BRUTAL SHIT GOES DOWN AND THEN THOR IS JUST HIS USUAL GOOFBALL SELF FOR THE WHOLE MOVIE, I'm like... were you even awake? Were you on your phone, or something? Did you watch a really bad cam rip or maybe have popcorn grease smeared all over your glasses? Did you not see the tears for his family and his people even as Thor mustered up a smile for a concerned Rocket? Do you even realize what just transpired between Ragnarok and the very beginning of this one? I feel like so much of it is like this — moments which were either noticed and felt or missed entirely. This is maybe the most interesting thing about Infinity War's impact, socially. Or at least on social media. People who just say they think it's ugly and dumb and We'Re FuCkeD don't really have anything to offer me. I am sure I know lovely people who feel this way about the movie (and most of these movies), but, like, they're probably going to be nice about it.

As much as I loved seeing this for a second time, on a much bigger screen, the first time was more magical. Not only for the surprises the movie itself had to offer, but the audience present was far more responsive, cheering, applauding, whooping at all the exciting character entrances and, you know, moments. I don't know how to explain it to someone who's unimpressed by <strikethrough>Captain America</strikethrough> emerging from the shadow of a passing train at the height of an action scene. Maybe it's like wrestling. It's cartoons. It's heavy metal. It's thunder and lightning. I got goosebumps again when the location switched to Wakanda, fanfare blasting. This is a movie that does well with a vocally enthusiastic audience.

I don't know. I do know that I've watched a bunch of the MCU stuff over the last couple of weeks (even though I haven't logged any of it) and it's been really good for me. This is where I take maybe kind of a weird left turn, but I know what I want to write here: for... a while now, whether months or a year or more, I have been in a state of mind where I feel like I'm at the end of my life. I lost a job which I loved in June of 2016 because of mental health issues and I've struggled a lot since then. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I might die, whether due to some weird thing with my heart (I'm always thinking about my heart because of palpitations and stuff), something entirely random and unforeseen, or my own hand. That last one has really only come up a few times, in my worst moments — in general, I just have a fear of death, and it seems in my state of depression and constant anxiety I've fixated on it. For what feels like a very long time. Long enough that it feels like my day-to-day state of being.

Several months ago I started taking a couple of medications in the vague hope that they might help. I would say it seems they have. I mean, I'm writing this here, now. I don't think I could've done this six months ago. You might find it really funny that I'm talking about this stuff in a review of a fucking Marvel movie, but... well, maybe I'll be able to laugh later.

So, Infinity War. I don't care one bit that we know which sequels are scheduled and this and that. I mean, sure, I wish I didn't know. I still feel this movie in the moment and right now I feel it when the *snap* happens. There are plenty of ways, for now, to imagine how things might turn out a year from now. Maybe that sounds overly optimistic. Maybe I'm a big fucking idiot about everything, and I'll never figure out how to live. Or, uh, how to watch movies. I'm just going to go with how I feel.

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