Eternals

Eternals ★★★

Finding the strength to watch this movie was almost impossible. My Apple TV remote felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. Each swipe through Disney+ took 3 years off my life. Did I *have* to watch this 9-hour slog everyone hated, when I didn't even like the new Spider-Man everyone loved? Do I have the freedom to exist in this world without knowing every minor detail about whichever guy blasts whichever thing out of whichever part of his body? Should I, I don't know, dive into traffic?

Well, if your expectations are in the trash, you have nowhere to go but, um, out of the trash, and I'm here to say that, to me, this movie was better than trash!

For starts, it looks fantastic. Chloe Zhao makes this thing look completely unlike all the other paint-by-numbers Marvel fare, giving it a genuine sense of scope and beauty. And, while I don't think the plot and premise really "work," particularly not in the confines of this crowded cinematic universe, I applaud this for at least *trying something*. The grandiosity of this is both its self-serious downfall and main drawing point. Millennia-spanning hero-gods who basically ushered in humanity as we know it? Sure! That's insane! If Marvel hadn't already been miles up its own ass for the past few years, that would be a pretty cool idea, in this little guy's opinion. I enjoyed a lot of the big ideas and the goofy philosophizing, and I thought the performances were all pretty great. Not the characters. Those were thin as runover dogshit, but the actors did a great job adding some life to them.

But, it doesn't quite hold together. I'd say I found this movie "intriguing" from beginning to end. Also, thank god I didn't watch this in a theater. Taking little breaks to do other things with my brief time on earth really helped this feel like more watchable film.

I also genuinely love that every character is not constantly quipping dry sarcasms at each other in place of jokes. Yes, there are two characters that do that, but there aren't 10, which is a breath of fresh air. I don't know! Eternals is fine!!!(???)

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