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  • The Keep

    The Keep

    ★★

    I've been meaning to watch this for ages because various people had told me on multiple occasions that it was good. What the fuck, dudes? It's basically "what if we made the Nazi melting bit from Raiders into a whole movie?" to the point that they even include one of the original melting Nazis in the cast. This film is very bad and makes no sense. I think it's meant to be allegorical but it's just a hot mess.


    That…

  • Jingle All the Way

    Jingle All the Way

    ½

    I have never seen this film before and I honestly didn't expect it to be this grimly awful. None of the situations, or the decisions characters make, make an ounce of sense. It can't decide whether it wants to be bleak and realistic or garish and hyper real so it just ends up being garish and bleak. It feels like they just wrote a first draft script and went straight out and shot it. And then, as I write this, Arnold punches out a reindeer. I hate this film nearly as much as this film hates Christmas.

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  • Alien³

    Alien³

    I first watched this shortly after it came out on video in 1992 (possibly even on a pirated copy while it was still in cinemas). It was such a dull and disappointing end to a (then) trilogy that I didn't watch it again for 20 years. After several people assured me that it wasn't that bad and was probably better than I remembered I decided it was time to watch it again. What a mistake. This film is 173 hours…

  • Frank

    Frank

    ½

    What an ugly directionless mess. I love Michael Fassbender but he's now in two of the worst films I have ever seen in my life.

    This film has precious little to do with the source material, takes a horrifically uninformed and patronising approach to mental illness and just generally wallows around in selfish prickery to no particular end. The main character is a hateful cunt and there is nothing to enjoy. Avoid.