• Death to Smoochy

    Death to Smoochy

    ★★★½

    Not as caustic as I remembered, but really all I remembered was that when it came out people were wondering if it was still too soon after 9/11 to acknowledge that children entertainers say “cock”.

  • Nobody

    Nobody

    ★★

    The mid-life crisis cliches used to just be the flashy car or an affair with the secretary, now it’s revealing a secret identity as an assassin and murdering hundreds with impunity. 

    Totally run-of-the-mill, recycled and reheated. Death Wish with even more fantasia, more deaths, and less consequences.

  • Total Recall

    Total Recall

    ★★★★½

    One of the more unique looking blockbusters of the 90’s, which is all the more impressive considering this is the start of the decade. 

    A brutal hero’s journey about a fascist that loses his memory and becomes the hero of the resistance that never quite feels real, but revels in its detours of the absurd, violent, grotesque.

  • Crimes of the Future

    Crimes of the Future

    ★★★★

    A very cool pilot episode

  • Men

    Men

    ★★★★½

    This is the new mother!

  • Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins

    Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins

    No, thank you. 

    It’s kinda fun to see a movie where the action set pieces don’t resemble every other movie’s bland choreography and lazy stylization, and instead chooses to do it’s own thing in a worse way.

  • G.I. Joe: Retaliation

    G.I. Joe: Retaliation

    ★★

    They had one solid idea and that was a cliff-face ninja battle and then they just wrapped an hour and forty minutes of cliche around it, lit it like it was filmed inside a Walmart and called it a day.

  • Uncharted

    Uncharted

    ★★

    As someone with no allegiance to the source material this came across as inoffensive and bland, but I guarantee that in a few hours I will not be able to recap the plot. 

    Just felt unfinished and missing chunks of its story, which is a real insult considering this movie’s development process. All that time for this.

  • Miami Vice

    Miami Vice

    ★★★★★

    Take it to the limit one more time. 

  • All the Old Knives

    All the Old Knives

    ★★

    You know that trope in rom-coms where in the second act our two lovers have some sort of stupid misunderstanding, and the whole movie could just end if they have one conversation? 

    This movie is that for ninety minutes but made for and by sad dads.

  • Thirteen Lives

    Thirteen Lives

    ★★

    I’ve said it a thousand times: Fuck Caves!

    Also, to save you some time, unlike real-life there is no billionaire who proposes a submarine as a rescue plan and then calls a guy who pointed out that it was a stupid idea a pedophile, and never really apologized for it, and the film is lesser for it. 

    Ron Howard. Where to begin? Seems like a nice guy, but man can he make a real boring movie. Ron Howard was the reason why…

  • Prey

    Prey

    ★★½

    First things first, kinda bummed that I didn’t know there was a Comanche dub till after, which probably would’ve increased my enjoyment of the film, because that was one of my small gripes, because it seems like they were pretty scatter-brained at choosing the rules for the languages in this movie.

    Comanche is English, except when they’ll say Comanche words or have conversations in Comanche and not translate it.

    French is French, and only the French understand it.

    English is Comanche,…