Uncut Gems ★★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

I'm 30 years old and I've had at least nine colonoscopies - I've stopped counting them, sue me.

I can tell you from experience that the way Howard is laying during his colonoscopy is inaccurate. More critically, I can tell you that you DO NOT have the consciousness he demonstrates immediately after his colonoscopy - and it's implied he comes RIGHT out of it and goes back to his shop.

My dudes. A common anesthetic for a colonoscopy is Propofol, and that drug is the FASTEST you'd come out of the anesthesia, and you need a good 12 hours to remember which side of your body you put your watch on.

Anyway, Uncut Gems opens with the chaos of a black opal and fades that into the chaos up Adam Sandler's ass, and then the chaos continues for like 100 minutes.

This movie is shot like the fever dream of a graduating film student, and if this is what everyone is talking about with the Safdies I gotta give 'em the old Vincent Vega "Where is all the amazement everyone is talking about?" You know the gif: it's John Travolta with his arms out and he's panning back and forth. I actually don't know the scene and Quentin Tarantino sucks balls but the gif is great.

The score of this movie makes it impossible to think any of your own thoughts. The way it was directed made sure you only thought whatever the director / sound designer / I don't fucking know the titles was thinking and I'm pretty sure what they were thinking was something like "Haha lmao lemme hit that again where did The Weeknd go lol do you guys wanna go to a strip club or i dunno i think maybe i feel like some chicken fingers." Like the rest of this movie, the sound was directionless and distracting.

So anyway this movie sucks but here are some great things about it:

- Adam Sandler is legit really damn good. I've never considered myself a Sandler fan, but this movie definitely shows he has the acting chops. A really great performance.
- The writing I think is actually pretty good. I can't speak to the realism, but if you can explain sports gambling and basketball (no clue; don't give a fuck, respectively) to me in a way that makes the movie suspenseful for me and I actually get a rush of adrenaline when Kevin Garnett sinks the 2 at the end of the game (was it a 3?), then you've written a good script.
- The twist. Boy shit it fucking ruins the whole movie, but in that way where the whole movie is ruined but it probably made it better?

Like the colonoscopy opener, this movie was uninteresting and shitty, and frankly I'm sad Adam Sandler made this the performance everyone is talking about. This should be a 1.5 star movie but Adam Sandler saved it.