"What do you remember about The Cloverfield Paradox?"
Sam: "There was a black girl who only cared about her kid and they were in space... was there even an alien in that?"
Me: (burps) "I don't remember."
"What do you remember about Late Phases?"
Sam: "The guy lives in a retirement community and he's sitting there waiting for the bus to pick him up, and the bus just drives by and he's like "what the fuck?" and everyone in the town is secretly a werewolf, right? Wait, no, it's like one wolf, and it's the bitchy lady?"
"What do you remember about Freaked?"
Sam: "That's that piece of shit you made me watch with the eyeballs? 'ands up! The Jamaican eyeballs? They're in the middle of nowhere, it's like a jungle, and they're like "we're just gonna go on this safari real quick" and someone captures them and the one guy gets real fucking ugly.
"What do you remember about Assassination Nation?"
Sam: "They wore real short skirts and they shot people with their little red coats on, which WHAT? FASHION. The one girl was fucking the guy who was a teacher or something? And they were like "we're gonna fucking be bad ass and if you approach us, we're just gonna shoot you". And the one girl almost got raped.
"What do you remember about The Stuff?"
Sam: "Oh my god (laughs), I remember the kid eating it when the fridge door is open like "omfg, this stuff is The Stuff!" and there's a big explosion of a whole bunch of The Stuff everywhere, and didn't the people get kind of like zombies? Their heads explode or something? But, it looked delicious."
"What do you remember about Replicas?"
Sam: "There's robots and there's cloning, and they do not elaborate on the cloning, they're just like "here, you just put these people in these little containers and you hook it up to a computer and the computer just makes these people", and they get in a car accident, and then whoever's the bad guy is like "I'm gonna fuck you guys up" and then's like "No, sike, I'm gonna put my thoughts into a robot and my robot's gonna fuck you guys up."
"What do you remember about Girlhouse?"
Sam: "There was a fat guy and he was like "Do you think I'm cute?" and the girls were like "Yeah man, sure, you're cute" and then he's like "Okay, I'm gonna show you a picture of myself" and they were like "omfg, you're so ugly" and then they hung a picture of him and his fat face and one girl who was super nice was like "no, this is not right" and ripped the sign down, and I think he still tried to kill her anyway but I don't think he succeeded."
"What do you remember about A Simple Favor?"
Sam: "There was a lot of French songs. (and proceeds to sing something in French I don't understand). Blake Lively killed her twin sister, but it was kind of like "I love you, but I'm killing you and I'm sorry". There's old people and their house burned down, like a wing, because they're loaded and Anna Kendrick fucked her husband, even though she wasn't dead."
"What do you remember about Bumblebee?"
Sam: "Bumblebee was a Volkswagen Bug, which, if you know anything about the comics, not a Volkswagen Bug. I'm not even sure about the comics, just the movie and stuff.
Me: "What are you talking about, comics?"
Sam: "Was there comics?"
Sam: "I don't know. So, she's trying to fix this Bug and the Bug's like "ahhh" and then the Bug becomes Bumblebee and he's like "omg I'm afraid" and she's like…