Sam Hunter’s review published on Letterboxd:
The Baywatch trailer sold us: Efron, The Rock, and Daddario in tight bathing suits, saving the day, with quick one liners and shiny jet skis. The film appeared (from the previews) to be a hyped up Fast film, with an ample amount of nostalgia thrown towards the original TV franchise.
Instead what we get is a chubby and horribly uncomedic Jon Bass, who in the first few minutes, chokes on a carrot, gets a boner from Kelly Rohrbach's hiemlich maneuver and promptly falls onto a wooden beach chair, lodging his penis between the boards and getting stuck.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. The lifeguards then proceed to attempt to dislodge him and a crowd swiftly gathers to watch.
No lifeguard in the world would be able to save this limp corpse of a film. The script was abismally predictable. The villains were identifiable from their introduction and apart from the three noteworthy leads the acting was horrendous.
Everything was overly and overtly sexualized. No joke in a random cutscene you can see Zac Effron humping his jetski as he boats around.
Penis jokes are rarely funny ("Don't act like you're not impressed" being the exception) and that being said - why did the film have at least four? By the way, if you've ever wanted to see Oscar's (from The Office) dick, DONT WORRY you get the chance here.
Even the language is excessively vulgar. There are at least 20 f-bombs in the film and none of them offer comedic or emotional value.
Perhaps what happened here is the script was assigned to a monkey, who was told to not be too humorous; or maybe they handed it to a 8 year old boy who has only heard his brother's glorified tales of addrinaline and sex. But if you are telling me, that a grown human being wrote/directed this film, I would tell you that you should be ashamed of yourself for making such a claim.
THIS FILM IS SO BAD.
The Rock should know better.