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  • Poison Ivy: The New Seduction

    Poison Ivy: The New Seduction

    ★★★½

    Um, first of all, Jaime Pressly was like uncomfortably bonersome. Traci Lords level hot. Also, she was kind of amazing here, as an actress. She glides like a bird of prey, or a street cat. So cunty, and so mesmerizing. She holds court in a bitch-off with Susan-fucking-Tyrrell. Not bad, Miss Pressly.

    I have a soft spot for the Poison Ivys, the films and also the characters. I empathized with Ivy, she was broken and clearly the product of abuse…

  • Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth

    Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth

    ★★★

    The cusp of Y2K was unkind to both the teen and horror genre. I was repulsed and entranced by this retarded spectacle of awfulness. But, NEVER bored. Goofed out to the max, filling you with cringes but also forcing you to mouth-breathe. An onslaught of gags and one-note grandpa poo poo jokes. It's sort of hard not to love it.

    Shout out to Tiffani-Amber Thiessen's dragon slide platform shoes and toe ring. Gave me a wardrobe semi.

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  • Death Spa

    Death Spa

    ★★★★★

    This is exactly what I needed. Sometimes I get really wrapped up with work and my movie watching suffers. I start to forget who I am and it becomes a this depressing spiral. 'Death Spa' reset my battery. It hits all of the sweet spots. Effervescent beams. Just just soak it up like a girl in a high wasted bikini absorbing UV rays from a hot pink tanning bed. This is as close to the sensation that 'Dr. Caligari' left me with as any movie ever has. This was a pretty fucking zen.

  • Prince of Darkness

    Prince of Darkness

    ★★★★★

    I've seen Prince of Darkness before but last night is the first time I really felt it. The sense of true dread and heaviness that these scholars can't fully measure. It's safe to say that the collective SOV dream they all have from 1999 is the scariest thing to ever be filmed, and I physically respond to it everytime. I'm actually watching a transmission from the apocalypse, but it's worse than the "apocalypse". Apocalypse is just a word and it…