Thought Crimes

Thought Crimes ★★★

This sweaty pudgelord who probably jerks off on 4chan three times a day describes in great detail his fantasies of slitting his sleeping wife's throat and selling her cooked meat to strangers on the internet. He used the police database to search for women - Actual physical human beings - who he wanted to kidnap and torture slowly by roasting them at low heat. "Thought crime" is some legal loophole bullshit as if this level of deception, abuse of power and general awfulness is akin to a passing hateful thought or a vague weirdo fetish. There's nothing not icky about this film, this person, this world.

I keep thinking about his wife and what it must have been like to make a discovery like this. She was googling things like "My husband doesn't love me", while he was searching "How to make chloroform" and "How to abduct a person". She probably thought he was having an affair. How fucked is it that what some might at first think is the worst case scenario- your spouse cheating- seems completely benign compared to the depths in which the darkest parts of our imagination can reach.

Not that I can in any way relate to this level of deception, I understand what it feels like to know that your spouse is hiding something. That disconnection is one of the most isolating sensations I've endured. You think you know a person, you feel connected to that person, you marry that person but over the years small details reveal themselves in small ways. Do they love you? Are they not attracted to you? They're quiet and spend too much time on the internet. Something is wrong. What is happening in the space in between he and I? A space that was once occupied with lightness is now an oppressive question mark. There's nothing more unsettling than living beside someone, but separately. It feeds secrecy.

On a far less insidious scale, the distance caused by the internet and the severance of intimacy is something I have experienced. I had so many unanswered "whys". And I never really got those answers. Too young? Not as compatible as we thought? No sexual chemistry? Marriages are weird. Sex is weird. Humans are weird.

What God hath joined let the internet cut asunder.