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  • 1313: Nightmare Mansion

    1313: Nightmare Mansion

    ★★

    U already know what it is.

    Imagine: You're invited to a party for some weird kid you never talk to. When you go to the party, after stepping foot into his giant mansion, you black out and find yourself in your underwear laying on a bed in a room you've never seen before.

    Do you

    A. Leave immediately?
    B. Call the police?
    C. Wander the house aimlessly and completely unconcerned that you're in your underwear?

    The answer is C. It's…

  • 1313: Haunted Frat

    1313: Haunted Frat

    ★★

    I cannot stop watching these movies. No matter what else I am doing these fucking 1313 movies haunt me. I feel intensely that I need to watch all of them even though they're exactly the same. They're hypnotizingly terrible. I can't look away from the screen even though nothing happens or the same scene is looped endlessly until I start to feel like I'm going insane. 

    Someone help me

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  • The Green Inferno

    The Green Inferno

    ★★★★

    I met Eli Roth.

    I just met Eli fucking Roth. Wow. Okay I don't know how much of this will be an actual review of the movie and how much will be me gushing over how sweet and amazing Eli is but bear with me. I won tickets to meet Eli and see a screening of this movie as part of Wizard World in Chicago. Unfortunately I didn't know that the reception was 21+ (that's because the contest I entered…

  • Children of the Corn

    Children of the Corn

    I can't even give this movie a star rating. This was my absolute favorite film in sixth grade. I was obsessed. In my diary I wrote about this movie and how if I became president I would force everyone to watch this movie. I have no idea why! I called everyone "outlander" or "interloper". I thought Malachi was not only the best name ever (I made my friends call me that), but I thought he was so cool because of…