Savage Beach ½

I thought, about 3 minutes in to Savage Beach, that the best way to review this film would not be to just do a normal review. I doubt that would ever do this film justice. So I'm going to do a live commentary instead, a la Ben Dirs, if you would.

Oh, it's about a pair of busty blonde girls who are drug enforcement agency officers who end up being asked to fly some vaccine for some disease to some country and they then end up in a plot find some gold from a sunken Japanese WW2 boat. You can see now why I ditched Martha Marcy May Marlene to watch this.

4:46 - Some bloke has taken out a shotgun and attempted to shoot one of the girls. She ducks about 5 seconds early but he still fires over her head anyway.

6:38 - Topless jacuzzi scene. There's a brunette and a redhead with them as well that helped them with the drugs bust. The redhead seems to have the most buoyant boobs.

10:05 - Some bloke's rung them up while they're sunbathing to tell them that "Washington's very impressed!" with their work. Didn't realise Clinton was in power yet.

10:38 - They've got to fly some vaccines to some island where some kids are pretending to look ill. WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH DRUG ENFORCEMENT?!

14:59 - One of them says her grandad died in the bit of the South Pacific where they're going during the war and that they never found his body. Fancy that. They're off in a plane now to deliver the gear and now there's some argument between two blokes about a satellite or something. I'm going to get some crisps.

17:55 - Ooh, hang on, some army bloke in a car just got shot by someone on a bike. I'll get them now.

23:18 - Not much is happening. More blokes arguing about the satellite and now some Japanese blokes are wittering on about heritage and bushido. I'm a bit flustered, what's with them attempting a plot here?

27:08 - The girls have landed now in torrential rain that seems to be falling out of a clear blue sky.

31:15 - Brilliant. They're flying through more torrential rain and have found time to take off their wet clothes and get changed without bothering with putting it in auto-pilot! Also - "Planes are like birds. They're meant to fly." Penguins say hello.


42:00 - They've finally bloody landed. They're still persevering with this satellite subplot and I've no idea what's going on with that. The brunette and the redhead have disappeared.

47:37 - Unperturbed by the fact they've landed on some mysterious island with no way of getting off because their plane's borked, the girls have decided on some skinny-dipping. Hang on, the other girls are back and are going to rescue them. There have only been two gunshots in this action film so far.

71:01 - Shit, I nodded off. No, really. What's happening here? Okay, Al and his mate are on the island with a couple of the satellite subplot chaps. It seems to make more sense now that I've missed 20 minutes of it. I'm not rewinding it, then.

78:13 - A Japanese WW2 veteran just showed up and stabbed Al! What? Mulholland Drive's got nothing on this.

81:01 - Said veteran got shot during the stabbing. He hung around long enough to tell us why he's on the island. It didn't make any sense. One of the blondes pretended to cry.

88:06 - It's finished? But....

Top that, Elizabeth Olsen.