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  • mother!

    mother!

    19

    Mother!, a movie which boldly states (check that exclamation point!) that even God can't shackle his wife into a state of constant submissiveness, for it is in her nature to intrude on his processes and successes and rights as a man. How dare she! Truly an abomination. It isn't merely that it's stupid: I've seen plenty of sublime excursions into such a realm. No no, it's that Darren Aronofsky never capitalizes on the pretentiousness of his own doing. It's…

  • The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

    The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

    ★★★★★

    4K Restoration

    100

    Some thoughts post-Tobe Hooper Tribute screening:

    - That cut to black sent the sold-out crowd into a frenzy. A jolt of sweat-drenched adrenaline present as dance.

    - Its broader structure is a nightmare, obviously, but observe how moments and gestures repeat as if you've reached the end of a dark tunnel only for the tunnel to extend further. A never-ending terror. It doesn't conclude: its circulation is, for our sake, cut off. Watch as Leatherface and The…

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  • Warcraft

    Warcraft

    15/100

    Me: Hi, I'd like one ticket for Warcraft please.

    Ticket guy: Did you bring your strategy guide?

    Me: Wait, what?

    Ticket guy: Have you played The Burning Crusade and Wrath of The lich King?

    Me: Waitwaitwait...slow down.

    Ticket guy: What about Cataclysm, Mists of Pandaria, and Warlords of Draenor?

    Me: I don't even know what a Draenor is.

    Ticket guy: Are you excited for Legion?

    Me: Is that based on the demon movie with Dennis Quaid?

    *Ticket guy sighs, rips ticket, and points the way towards the auditorium*

    Ticket guy: Good luck.

  • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    ★★★★½

    87

    Setting: Marvel Board Meeting

    Kevin: "And then I said, we already put in 3 end-credits scenes, how about 2 more?!?"

    *eruptive laughter*

    Marvel Exec #2: "You're such a card, Kevin."

    Kevin: "These movies don't make themselves!"

    Marvel Exec #3: "Well I mean they kinda do. That's why we installed that conveyer belt in northern Idaho and everything."

    Kevin: "You got me there!"

    *Meeting Room door opens*

    Kevin: "Well look who it is, our crazy director intern, come in James."…