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  • The Nun

    The Nun

    ★★★★½

    88

    Loops upon loops of slimy conventions and clichés - a never-ending High-Gothic stream. Crypts, churches, graveyards, coffins, secret passages, the occult, catholicism, hallways seemingly made out of crosses, decapitated jesus statues, underground water-fountains/voids destined for the eternal - As Stefon would say, this movie has *everything*. And that's not even counting the nuns, of which there are all kinds, like those 'Everyone is a Santa' parades only seeped in black goo and ancient screams. But the key to this…

  • Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle

    Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle

    15

    A demented CGI puppet show. Like a nightmare you'd have when you're all hopped up on dayquil and saltines.

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  • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    ★★★★½

    87

    Setting: Marvel Board Meeting

    Kevin: "And then I said, we already put in 3 end-credits scenes, how about 2 more?!?"

    *eruptive laughter*

    Marvel Exec #2: "You're such a card, Kevin."

    Kevin: "These movies don't make themselves!"

    Marvel Exec #3: "Well I mean they kinda do. That's why we installed that conveyer belt in northern Idaho and everything."

    Kevin: "You got me there!"

    *Meeting Room door opens*

    Kevin: "Well look who it is, our crazy director intern, come in James."…

  • Warcraft

    Warcraft

    15/100

    Me: Hi, I'd like one ticket for Warcraft please.

    Ticket guy: Did you bring your strategy guide?

    Me: Wait, what?

    Ticket guy: Have you played The Burning Crusade and Wrath of The lich King?

    Me: Waitwaitwait...slow down.

    Ticket guy: What about Cataclysm, Mists of Pandaria, and Warlords of Draenor?

    Me: I don't even know what a Draenor is.

    Ticket guy: Are you excited for Legion?

    Me: Is that based on the demon movie with Dennis Quaid?

    *Ticket guy sighs, rips ticket, and points the way towards the auditorium*

    Ticket guy: Good luck.