Django Unchained

Django Unchained ★★★★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Film #3 of Misty and Driver's Ultimate Western Adventure AKA Driving Misty Daisy.

For the 165 perfect minutes of Django Unchained, there are 165 perfect moments. Don't believe me? Well, allow me to prove you wrong...
1. The retro Columbia Pictures title.
2. That tune kick-in of Django.
3. The occasional whipping sound-effect in the titles.
4. The credit that reads “And with the friendly participation of Franco Nero”.
5. The first sight of that big, old, bouncy tooth.
6. Fritz’s little bow.
7. The first close-up of Schultz’s beard.
8. “I wish to parley with you.” “Speak English, goddamit.”
9. The smoothest German-shot in the West.
10. The use of the word ‘caterwauling’.
11. Django attacks Speck by standing on his dead horse.
12. “On the off-chance that there are any astronomy aficionados amongst you, the north star is that way.”
13. The massive explosion of gore that concludes the opening scene.
14. The shot where Django’s head passes through the noose as he rides by.
15. The swinging lamp accidently hitting the innkeeper’s head, and him carrying on his line.
16. How Robert Richardson’s cinematography makes beer look like the nicest thing you’ve ever laid eyes upon.
17. Shooting Sharp…
18. …and finishing him off.
19. The fainting woman in the background.
20. “Now you can get the marshall…”
21. Schultz explains himself and turns the tables.
22. The Old Man Carrucan flashback, complete with Bruce Dern.
23. Django’s fashion sense.
24. Big Daddy’s sass.
25. Big Daddy explaining the concept of being a ‘free man’.
26. “You mean you wanna dress like that?”
27. The ‘Freedom’ flashback.
28. “I like the way you beg, boy…”
29. Big John Brittle’s bible passage suit.
30. “I like the way you die, boy…”
31. Little Raj gets whipped to within an inch of his life…
32. …and then gets finished off.
33. The shot of the blood on the cotton field.
34. Placing the dynamite in the tooth with a catchy bit of whistling.
35. The first sight of Jonah Hill as Bag Head #2.
36. A Battle Royale reference in the form of the music over the KKK assault.
37. The entire bag scene, which is a multitude of perfect moments.
38. “Auf wiedersein…”
39. BOOM.
40. Wilhelm scream.
41. “Oh-ho…the kid’s a natural.”
42. Schultz’s delivery of the Legend of Broomhilda.
43. I Got A Name.
44. Django’s personalised saddle.
45. Tony stumbles through the snow.
46. Django stutters over Smitty Bacall’s hand-bill.
47. I Giorni Dell’ira.
48. “That’s accurate.”
49. Castrating the snowman.
50. Schultz tips an empty shell off his hat.
51. “Why don’t ya come on in out of the snowy snow and get yourself some coffee?”
53. “That’s the repellent gentleman who owns her.”
54. Schultz twirls his ‘tache a little.
55. Schultz begins his horse speech.
56. Mr Moguy is introduced.
57. Django back-talks.
58. “Don’t speak French to him, it’ll only embarrass him.”
59. Slam-zoom on Candie’s face.
60. The weird stare that Django and Mr Pooch share (it’s funny cos he’s played by James Remar…and you know, he got killed earlier? Yeah…)
61. The sheer brutality of the Mandingo fight.
62. The realisation that Franco Nero is sitting on the goddamn sofa across from Leonardo DiCaprio.
63. Schultz’s awkward horror of seeing a man’s eyes gouged out.
64. Candie’s casual treatment of a dead man lying on his floor as Big Fred walks out.
65. Franco Nero and Django’s five line conversation.
66. Schultz saying “Django Freeman.”
67. “I’m curious what makes you so curious.”
68. The recurring Tarantino motif of a beverage/refreshment being described as “tasty”.
69. Calvin guides the discourse back to his “curiosity”.
70. “Heh heh heh, who knows what could happen?”
71. Candie’s slurp of surprise.
72. “The sun is up.” “And shinin’ on all of us.”
73. Django breaks Hoot’s collar bone.
74. Django acts rambunctiously.
75. “I, for one, don’t intend to die in Chickasaw County, Mississippi, USA!”
76. The array of cameos that form The Trackers, include Michael Bowen, James Parks, Tom Savini and Zoe Bell.
77. Candie’s callousness as he feeds D’Artagnan to the dogs.
78. Django’s almost-mocking tone as he says “Mon-seur Can-die”.
79. We see Stephen, and his horror and disgust when he sees Django riding towards Candieland.
80. That epic music as Django and Schultz stop in slow-motion.
81. “Oh-ho, yessa, I missed you! Like a, like a hog missed slop! Like a, like a baby missed mammy’s titty! I missed you like I missed a rock in my shoe!”
82. “Stephen, this here’s Django. You two oughta hate each other…”
84. “Take her out, WHY?”
85. Django shoots a glare at Stephen with a slam-zoom.
86. Schultz slams the door on Lara-Lee (Candie-Fitzwilly)’s face.
87. How kindly Schultz is to Broomhilda.
88. “You silver-tongued devil, you.”
89. Stephen’s dirty cackle.
90. Showmanship.
91. Stephen agreeing with everything that Calvin says.
92. Stephen explodes with laughter on “Well, I can’t imagine two weeks in Boston.”
93. Stephen probes Broomhilda.
94. Stephen’s knowing, perceptive smirk at Django.
95. “Adult supervision is required.”
96. Stephen says “motherf**kers”.
97. “Thank you, Stephen. You’re welcome, Calvin.”
98. “Those…lyin’…goddamn…time-wastin’…sons of bitches…SONS OF BITCHES!”
99. Candie places his toolkit on the table-top.
100. ‘Ben’ is introduced.
101. “I only have one question…why don’t they kill us?”
102. Candie starts sawing away.
103. *smash* “Now you lay your hands flat on that table-top! If you lift those palms off that turtle-shell table-top, Mr Pooch is gonna let loose with both barrels of that sawed-off!”
104. The slow realisation that Leonardo DiCaprio is bleeding for real.
105. Candie rubs (real?) blood in Broomhilda’s face.
106. Candie loses it.
107. “SOLD to the man with the EXCEPTIONAL beard, and his UNEXCEPTIONAL n***er!”
108. “Now, gentlemen, if you’d care to join me in the parlour; we will be serving WHITE cake.”
109. “Would you please stop playing Beethoven? Take your hands off the harp!”
110. “Alexandre Dumas is black.”
111. The explanation of what ‘auf wiedersein’ actually means.
112. “If you insist…” *bang*
113. Stephen’s distraught face.
114. Schultz gets cut down.
115. Django shoots Pooch in the heart with his own gun.
116. Django makes Moguy’s chest explode.
117. Django jumps backwards through the door, taking out the door guard by blowing the contents of his heart in the air and knocking down Moguy.
118. Django empties a run on a row of hillbillies.
119. Jesse gets shot in his right thigh.
120. The body in front of the door fills the air with blood vapour.
121. Jesse’s other thigh gets taken out.
122. A bullet whistles through the air and hits with an almighty squelch.
123. ‘Unchained’ plays while Django advances and shoots all in his path, causing more people to shoot each other.
124. Django cuts down a man by shooting him right through the gut in slow-motion.
125. Django shoots out the elbow of said man.
126. Django uses said man as a human shield as Billy Crash shoots at him.
127. Django shoots a fat man, who falls on the wounded Jesse (poor guy…)
128. Django shoots at Billy Crash, only for him to fly through the open door.
129. The rifles come out, and Django’s shelter-cupboard is decimated with more bullets.
130. That’s the shootout over, but it’s so damn perfect that I’ve got to include one last point about it being so epic.
131. Django tears his jacket off in slow-motion as Richie Haven’s ‘Freedom’ plays.
132. Django surrenders.
133. Jesse is still moaning on the floor.
134. Billy Crash sticks his knife in the fire.
135. Stephen explains the severity of castration.
136. Stephen stares at the camera, telling off the punishment of the LeQuint Dickey Mining Co.
137. The glorious sight of Quentin Tarantino riding a horse.
138. Tarantino’s ATROCIOUS Australian accent.
139. “Who da fack is Smiddee Bacall?”
140. That subtle reference to Captain Koons in Pulp Fiction in the form of the name, Crazy Craig Koons.
141. The realisation that it’s Michael Freakin’ Parks as the Amer
ican member of the LeQuint Dickey Mining Co.
142. “Well, fack me, Roy, this could be big, mate!”
143. “Got a little doynomoite for you black fellas!”
144. Tarantino goes ka-blooey.
145. Django rides off, rifle semi-raised in the air.
146. One of the slaves slightly smiles at the sheer awesomeness of what he’s just witnessed.
147. Zoe Bell views a 3-D picture.
148. “D’Artagnan, motherf**ker!”
149. Django castrates Mr Stonesipher.
150. Django says “Auf wiedersein” to Schultz’s body.
151. Django and Broomhilda are re-united at long last.
152. The first sight of Django in Candie’s clothes.
153. Django castrates Billy Crash.
154. “The D is silent, hillbilly.” *bang*
155. Django takes out Miss Lara.
156. “I count two guns, n***er.”
157. Django kneecaps Stephen.
158. “Djangoooooo! You uppity son of a-”
159. BOOM.
160. Django grins at the camera/Broomhilda.
161. Some random other explosion goes off in the background as Django walks away.
162. Dressage.
163. “You know what they’re going to call you? ‘The Fastest Gun in the South’.”
164. THE END.
165. “Who was that n***er?”

I completely, utterly, 100%, adore every perfect second of this film. It's simply heavenly.

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