Django Unchained

Django Unchained ★★★★★

DISCLAIMER: This review must be read in the voice of Monsieur Calvin J. Candie. It must be read in no other way. It will not work otherwise. Try to match his panache in his speech. And then you will get the full effect.

I am a seasoned movie-watcher, and I can confirm that there is a level above bright, above talented, above loyal that a movie can aspire to. Say, one movie that just pops up in 10,000. The 'exceptional movie'. Django is that one in 10,000.

You see, the science of film criticism is crucial to understanding the separation of the two species. In the film of the Uwe Boll here, the area associated with bad quality is larger than any movie or other sub-genre movie on planet Earth. If you examine this piece of film here, you'll notice three distinct trademarks. Here, here and here. Now if I was holding a film of a... of a Tarantino or Scorsese, these three trademarks would be in the area of the movie most associated with creativity.

Now, I will have you know that there is no one in the movie-watching game that appreciates the value of showmanship more than Monsieur S. T. Driver. But one must not forget the most important thing in the movie-watching game! And that is a movie that can top lists! Now, that should be your first, second, third, fourth and fifth concern! Now, after you have that, and you know you have that, then you can start to implement an expectation level. In other words, first thing is first.

Now, considering I've done rode a whole lot of miles, went through a whole lot of trouble and done spread a whole lot of bull to purchase this lovely film right here, it would appear that Django is in fact the 'right movie'. And if y'all wanna know my price to determine what Django is worth, the price is $1,000,000,000.

Now, gentlemen, if you would care to join me in the comments thread; we will be serving movie-talk...

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