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  • Devil's Gate

    Devil's Gate

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    This is some serious weapons-grade gibberish - truly, nothing in this movie makes any fucking sense - but I can't be too mad at a movie that gorily kills an Ashmore

  • The Mansion

    The Mansion

    ½

    Who would have thought that mixing Disaster Movie-style "comedy," a group of sociopathically unlikeable characters, and tired slasher tropes would result in something this unwatchably fucking awful?

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  • Ghostbusters

    Ghostbusters

    ★★★½

    I enjoyed this movie and laughed and was entertained but woe! woe unto me! for I should have listened to the learned scholars of reddit, who scried with their varied runes of mountain dew and doritos dust that a man could not gaze upon the full power of a movie filled with women and escape unscathed - and so it was that as the credits rolled my balls fell out of my body and my dick flew clean off like a sad roman candle made of meat

  • Most Likely to Die

    Most Likely to Die

    ★★

    Most Likely to Take a Nap