Me pitching my nun movie:
“Right at the start, I want a nun fighting demons at the gates of hell. There will be blood, screaming, decapitations, intense action, and horror. She can slice demons in half with her crucifix sword. It will be like Constantine, but with more hail marys.”
Movie studio:
“Woah, Woah, Woah! Slow it down! Who do you think we are, 20th Century Fox? We are A24, dammit! All of our movies must be slower and colder…
Dave Grohl singing loudly:
'I've got another confession to make! This movie sucks!'
Father, forgive me for that terrible opening. I'm starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel with Amazon Prime. The awesome poster art had me intrigued and the movie had me bored.
Preacherman starts off with a trailer of the movie you're about to watch with all of the two saucy bits on loop to trick you into thinking this is an exploitation film. A rapey preacher…
Don’t Breathe 2 and the Chamber of Turkey Basters
Don’t Breathe 3 and the Prisoner of Blind Rapists
Don’t Breathe 4 and the Goblet of Semen
Don’t Breathe 5 and Order of the Baster
Don’t Breathe 6 and the Half-Blood Turkey Baster
Don’t Breathe 7 and the Deathly Ejaculate Part 1
Don’t Breathe 8 and the Deathly Ejaculate Part 2
Franchise!
Everyone in this movie poster looking up for their awards. Come and join the celebrity circle jerk of self-importance.
