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  • Fifty Shades of Grey

    Fifty Shades of Grey

    BDSM = Being Dead Sounds Magnificent

    this fucking sucked >:(

  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

    The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

    ★½

    and so we reach the end of this franchise. i just want to say, i am aware that these movies are easy targets. i was never really privy to what it was about them that was perceived as the worst thing mankind has ever allowed popularity to, which is why i was so interested to see what the fuss was about.

    are these movies the worst thing mankind has ever created? no.
    are these movies dumb? yes.
    were these movies…

  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

    The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

    ★½

    i am in love with this franchise's insistence to be the dumbest fucking thing humanity has ever allowed to exist. my brain literally snapped when jacob fell in love with the CGI DEVIL BABY™. this is simultaneously the most entertaining and boring garbage ever. it's so terrible its amazing.

    Twilight Movies Ranked By Me

  • The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

    The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

    this movie absolutely RADIATES possessive, clingy energy of the highest degree. bella was basically just treating jacob like this for the SECOND MOVIE IN A ROW (can't really blame her, fuck jacob). everyone is toxic, everyone is annoying. a bizarre mess of implied cuckolding, wheel-spinning and sped-up kung-fu fights between glass vampires and big doggies.
    these movies are getting fun again.

    Twilight Movies Ranked By Me

  • The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    this is just two hours of a girl friendzoning a werewolf lmao this made over 700 million in the box office

    Twilight Movies Ranked By Me

  • Pulp Fiction

    Pulp Fiction

    ★★★★★

    fast food, roll-up cigarettes, smoking pistols, grimy apartments, car boots and cool suits. Pulp Fiction is a film that smells of tobacco and petrol, while it simultaneously digests like a hearty Hawaiian burger washed down with a five dollar shake. it's a spectacular, unique and deceptively meandering film that will never be forgotten in the landscape of cinema, thanks mainly to the efforts of the cast, the superb music needle drops that have become synonymous with the scenes they are featured in and with Tarantino's effortlessly naturalistic (and arguably his best and most iconic) script.

  • Twilight

    Twilight

    ★½

    holy fucking shit

    Twilight Movies Ranked By Me

  • Palm Springs

    Palm Springs

    ★★½

    groundhog day with Andy Samburg. not a fan of the guy or his character and the plot's cliche progression didn't do anything for me. this is a really basic romantic comedy and if you've ever seen one in your life, you've seen this. the couple hangs out, gets into a couple wacky misadventures, break up before the third act and things are solved at the end. it's fine. it's okay. it's decent. it kept me occupied for the evening. i'm gonna go stare at a wall now. hope your day has been good.

  • Please Stand By

    Please Stand By

    ★½

    set your phasers to booooooooooooored.

    there are scenes in this movie that seem like they would work better as flat out comedy sequences, but i think the movie sort of kneecaps itself by having an autistic character in the lead. you don't want the movie to seem like it's making fun of people with autism, so it seems like the filmmakers opted for a dram-edy approach with more emphasis on the drama than the comedy. all well and good if…

  • American Pie Presents: Beta House

    American Pie Presents: Beta House

    i've finally finished this franchise, and this is undoubtedly the worst. every fiber of my being feels like its decaying. i'm convinced there is no life after death. unironically one of the worst comedies i've ever seen in my life. there is no plot. there is constant boobs, cum, vomit and peepee. haha he peepeed his pants. oops, he cummed hahaha funny movie.

    i'm so happy i've finally finished this series so that i can say i've seen all of…

  • The Kissing Booth 2

    The Kissing Booth 2

    ½

    NETFLIX, I CANT ANYMORE. YOU'RE GONNA CUT BOJACK HORSEMAN SEVERAL SEASONS SHORTER THAN IT WAS GOING TO BE AND YOU'RE GONNA PUT MINDHUNTER ON INDEFINITE HOLD, BUT YOU'LL GREENLIGHT THIS??? IM LOSING MY FUCJKING MIND

    EDIT: THEYVE ALREADY ANNOUNCED A THIRD ONE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHDpTCp7K5o WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WAHTAA ADGABGC*DYASGKDH

  • Dragged Across Concrete

    Dragged Across Concrete

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Brett Ridgeman: "We have the right to acquire proper compensation."

    so i actually liked this way more than Brawl in Cell Block 99, for a number of reasons. for one, this movie manages to be more interesting thematically; there's a bubbling political undercurrent throughout the whole thing that's unique to this movie and the questions it raises are more interesting than anything in 99 gave me.

    additionally, i thought the performances and the look of the movie were drastically improved…