• Den of Thieves

    Den of Thieves

    ★★★★½

    One of the finest pieces of cinema ever created. Gerard Butlers incredibly layered, nuanced portrayal of Nicholas “Big Nick” O’Brien as a man on the brink, simultaneously being fueled and destroyed by his ubercompetitive, impulsive nature while pursuing justice for the citizens of Los Angeles and desperately trying to keep his family together despite his wife being a total bitch about a simple misunderstanding is almost enough to give this movie five stars on its own, however there were no tits and as such I must dock it a half star.

  • Road to Perdition

    Road to Perdition

    ★★★★

    Tom Hanks wanted everyone to know he doesn’t just do heartwarming shit, he’s nice with the blicky too

  • The Northman

    The Northman

    ★★★★½

    Viking Lion King if Simba’s mom was Livia Soprano. Very good (plus you see a little pussy hair)

  • The Batman

    The Batman

    ★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Movie was pretty entertaining but gadam did Batman’s bitch ass get worked the whole movie. He didn’t stop a single one of the riddlers plans. The only “crime fighting” he did was beating up some Puerto Rican jugalos in the subway and a few Italians in a night club.  Otherwise it was L after L for this man. He let Alfred get touched in his own home, found out his dad was corrupt/mom had bpd, and DID NOT get pussy…

  • Ocean's Eleven

    Ocean's Eleven

    ★★★★★

    Fuck George Clooney’s wife and it’s gonna cost you 160 mil

  • Moneyball

    Moneyball

    ★★★★½

    A tale as old as time: a hot dude steals all the credit from a cute little fat guy

  • The Matrix Resurrections

    The Matrix Resurrections

    ★★★★

    Never trust a gay man, never go to therapy and if u get pissed off enough, you will be granted super powers that you can use to get pussy from a girl you really like

  • The Matrix Reloaded

    The Matrix Reloaded

    ★★★★

    At first I was like “who the fuck is the maravingian? I thought the robots were the bad guys I’m fucking confused” but then i saw how hot his wife was and saw that he made a cake that made hot girl’s pussies very wet and I started rooting for him. Actually I’m not sure if that happened in the 2nd or 3rd one I watched them both back to back absolutely blasted out of my
    Mind on edibles. Btw was that Cornell west? He was inexplicably in these movies right I wasn’t just being high and racist?

  • Barry Lyndon

    Barry Lyndon

    ★★★★★

    basically goodfellas

  • The Aviator

    The Aviator

    ★★★★½

    A man autistic for planes triumphs over his own worsening ocd and a witchhunt by the corrupt federal government to get the most top notch pussy available in the 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s

  • Three Days of the Condor

    Three Days of the Condor

    ★★★½

    Hours after everyone in his office is murdered, Robert Redford commits sexual assault to clear his mind so he can outsmart the CIA in this Sydney Pollack helmed thriller

  • To Live and Die in L.A.

    To Live and Die in L.A.

    ★★★★

    A highly entertaining film in the “Psychotic cops that are horrible at their job” genre. You got a young Willem dafoe playing the menacing villain (and looking a little too fat in the face if u ask me, I like my dafoe old and gaunt), some awesome, unexpected violence peppered in throughout the movie and you get to see the guy from CSI’s real, semi hard cock and that thangs looking niiiiice