• Bad Lieutenant

    Bad Lieutenant

    ★★★★

    Abel Ferrara explores the themes of forgiveness and getting pussy mischievously in this spiritual prequel to 2003’s Bad Santa. The film’s strength is its simplicity, as it eschews a coherent plot in favor of 90 minutes of Harvey Keitel losing 100,000 dollar bets, doing heroin and looking at titties.

  • The Pope of Greenwich Village

    The Pope of Greenwich Village

    ★★★½

    The main character—played by pre plastic surgery Mickey rourke— is a dead beat father who behaves like he’s in the mob even tho he’s an unemployed restaurant manager. When given the choice between committing fully to a beautiful woman who is carrying his child and seems to love him unconditionally despite his many flaws OR try and outsmart the mafia so that he can continue to kiss his male cousin on the lips and shoe horn the word “capisce” into almost every sentence, he chooses famiglia over pussadicce. 

    This movie feels like very sophisticated anti Italian propaganda. Still pretty fun tho and the cinematography was cool

  • Surrogates

    Surrogates

    ★★★

    Bruce Willis has to solve a mystery and kill 1 billion robots to get pussy from his wife

  • Underworld

    Underworld

    Pure dog shit. It sucked dick but not enough dick to be hilariously bad. It was in the uncanny valley of shitty movies usually reserved for m night shamalan.  How the fuck did they take “werewolves vs vampires” and make it confusing and convoluted? They shoot guns??? Why the fuck aren’t the vampires stronger?? Where are their super powers??  How did the dumbass werewolves lose the war when these bitch ass vampires need guns to kill them?? Every major plot…

  • Jaws

    Jaws

    ★★★

    I’m sure this shit wouldve blown my mind if I watched it in a polyester jump suit, after getting off work at a manufacturing job I didn’t know was about to be outsourced, next to my wife that I met when she let me raw dog her at Woodstock. But I watched it high as shit, in sweatpants in 2020 and though I don’t have a wife or family, what I do have that 70’s me doesn’t, is access to…

  • Jackie Brown

    Jackie Brown

    ★★★★★

    Certified Bangeroonie. Pam Grier is so hot in every sense. I wanna say all it would take for me to bust with regards to Pam Grier would be a conversation with her, but if I’m being honest, some intense eye contact would probably do the trick. The cast rocks from top to bottom. Samuel L Jackson goes for 40 pts with 8 rebounds and 4 assists. Deniro plays an incredible washed up, stoner, dumbass crook with a great mustache. We…

  • Sorceress

    Sorceress

    ★★★

    A sorcerer murders his wife bc she doesn’t wanna kill their children bc a prophesy says his kids will kill him or something. He then murders the male babies she was hiding but doesn’t kill the twin girls for some reason (or maybe the male babies weren’t his? I wasn’t really paying attention at the beginning, this all happened in the first 45 seconds) Anyway, an old ass wizard pops up and kills the evil sorcerer (but he has 2…

  • Extraction

    Extraction

    ★★★★½

    Thor gets to be John wick/Jason borne against an Indian drug lord?? That’s a big motherfucking hell yes from me, mate.

    It’s getting 4.5 instead of 5 stars bc there were like 8 minutes where he talks/gets emotional instead of no scope headshotting swat team guys and I felt the movie should be penalized for that

  • Con Air

    Con Air

    ★★★★★

    Cameron Poe is perhaps the most honorable, heroic character in the history of modern cinema. Aside from the tremendous admiration I felt for Its protagonist, I’d have to say the second best part of the movie was how much motherfucking sense it made

  • The Platform

    The Platform

    ★★

    This shit started off strong and had some cool parts where people got fucked up with metal rods and katanas and shit. But it dragged, and was somehow confusing and heavy handed at the same time and the ending was unsatisfying. To be honest I got shawarma halfway through and it’s hard to eat and read subtitles at the same time but I’m still pretty sure I’m right about it being some mildly entertaining buttcheeks

  • Collateral

    Collateral

    ★★★★½

    An assassin teaches a guy how to get pussy by accident. It’s basically a Disney movie for guys who lost custody of their children. Shit rocked