Simpleton.
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Here for Blood 2022
This movie seems like it’s meant to be discovered by rooting around in Walmart’s five-dollar DVD bin. It’s about a pro wrestler named Tom who gets roped into babysitting a little girl as a favor to his law-student girlfriend and—wouldn’t ya know it—ends up battling a cadre of demonic zombies. “We chopped his head off and he kept coming at us!” grumbles poor Tom at one point. “I’m starting to think these aren’t sex perverts!”
It sure would’ve been swell…
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Damsel 2024
Perhaps the Netflixiest movie ever made. Everybody seems like they’re about to burst into song at any moment, even during the “dark,” underground dragon-battling sequences.
It’s watchable, though, in the same way that the Frank Underwood-free last season of House of Cards was watchable. And I’d have undoubtedly thought it was pretty bitchin (or whatever the modern equivalent of bitchin is) if I’d seen it when I was nine. I’m glad it exists, just because it inspired this review, which…
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The Greatest Night in Pop 2024
Best moment: the abjectly terrified, oh-my-god-get-me-outta-here look on Bob Dylan’s face when everybody starts singing the banana boat song.
This is fine. You know what I’d have preferred, though? A ninety-minute documentary about how Dan Aykroyd ended up at this session. There’s a cute bit where Diana Ross goes up to Daryl Hall and asks for his autograph, and this inspires everybody to start going around the studio getting everybody else’s autograph. Did anybody ask for Aykroyd’s autograph? If so, who? Springsteen? Did Smokey Robinson come up to Aykroyd and say “hey, man! Fred Garvin! I love it!” These are the questions that I need answered.
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In Time 2011
I’m the oldest person in my department at work which means that I’ll occasionally get hit with Old Guy Questions. just the other day one of the whippersnappers I work with said to me “jeez you’ve been married for almost twennnnnty yeeeeeears! that’s almost as long as I’ve been aliiiiiiive! what’s your secret?”
I always play the aw-shucks card when I get asked questions like that but as we all know the secret to a good, healthy marriage is knowing…