As the father of an extremely bossy daughter, this played like a chilling glimpse into my future. If she ever gets her hands on a mystical gem that can be used to control an interplanetary conqueror with powers beyond mortal comprehension, I am totally fucked. Bonus points for naming this terrifying and impossibly bloody monster “PG.”

Chris Farley was a brilliant physical comedian who could make almost any situation funny with his mere presence, which is good because this screenplay has almost no jokes besides Farley falling down in a million different ways. Even with a script that feels like it was written in less time than it takes to watch the movie, there are some Farley-related highlights, like when he and his sidekick (Chris Rock!) drive their convertible through a car wash. (The part where he pretends to be a hibachi chef I could have done without.)

Another Bong hit.

Two names. Two boyfriends. Two best friends. Two semesters. Two school plays. Two dances. Two parties. Two distinct relationships with her parents. Two potential colleges. Two churches. And a hundred million kajillion tears for the scene at the airport.